Chris Christie Golem Rises From the Earth

His humiliation knows no bounds, he is Chris Christie! The governor of the Garden State and getter of McDonald’s for Trump’s evil cabal tried his hands at some black magic of his own. What he didn’t know was that the dark arts always have a price.

Maybe it was because of his silence about Pride Month, or maybe the universe just wasn’t done humiliating him, but a terrifying likeness of the governor rose from the sands of the Jersey Shore. Christie was no doubt trying to create a sympathetic¬†homunculus, a magical likeness that draws bad juju away from you and towards it.

But Christie’s amateurish spellcasting unfortunately created that abomination, which looks exactly like him. More than that, it resembles a picture of Christie lounging on a beach that he used his political power to close. Classic Jersey! Later when he was asked if he had enjoyed the beach, Christie pulled a Trump and immediately lied saying,¬†“I didn’t. I didn’t get any sun today.” His office later clarified that this was because he was wearing a baseball cap. Bad karma building!

So the universe wasn’t done humiliating him, and now everyone knows Christie’s secret, immortalized in his sand doppelganger. Mr. Christie should probably lay off of the powers man was not meant to know. He should stick with the kinds of secrets all of us know. And he should bring the rest of us some fast food.

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