Kim Kardashian Wasn’t Doing Blow in a Hotel Room

Kim Kardashian posted a video to Snapchat that really, really looked like she had rails of coke lined up on the hotel sink behind her. Of course, Kim was probably not about to snort coke off of her bathroom sink. Even she isn’t going to cut some lines and then pause to take a video to post to the Internet. Okay, on second thought that’s exactly the sort of thing Kim Kardashian seems likely to do, given that it’s both dumb and conceited.

On a normal day, a celebrity posting a picture that makes it look like they’re doing coke in a hotel bathroom would be the funniest part of the story. Today is not that day, friends, because Kim took to the internet to assure everyone that she had just spilled candy on a table. She even helpfully gave the full name of the candy shop she went to and later held up a bag prominently displaying its logo, because leave it to Kim to turn an accusation of drug abuse into paid product placement.

I hear you out there. You’re turning and saying, “Surely this must be the end of this story. Please tell me it doesn’t get any more absurd.” Well, buckle up, buckaroo, because the dumbass train hasn’t even pulled out of the station on this story. Do trains have seatbelts? They don’t, do they? I stand by my mixed metaphor, though, because I can think trains have seatbelts and still look smarter than anyone involved in this story.

Chrissy Teigen took a break from changing her husband’s giant nappies to weigh in, so you know this was totally serious, guys.

I know that you’re now saying to yourself, “Self, obviously Kim Kardashian-West wouldn’t let this play out over social media for eight hours and go as far as to get corporate sponsorship without turning around and looking at the table directly behind her, right?” If you did, you might respond to yourself by saying “Kim Kardashian is married to Kanye West, she is exactly the type of person who would tweet about what’s on a table three feet away multiple times over the course of several hours without once turning around and looking at it.”

I want to say that no one comes out of this looking particularly smart. Kim didn’t look at a table that was close enough to put her hand on for hours. The internet was absolutely positive that some streaks in a marble table were coke despite cocaine not being grey. But actually, Chrissy Teigen got the last word and she does come out of this looking, if not smart, then certainly likable.

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