Shia LaBeouf Tries Mel Gibson Defense for Racist Rant

Shia LaBeouf was arrested over the weekend for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct, and boy did things kick off from there. LeBeouf put on a performance worthy of COPS, which by the way is still on after 30 years, and 29 years after the novelty wore off. The visibly intoxicated celebrity was filmed saying, “I’m an American citizen, I have rights,” before accusing the arresting officer, who is black, of arresting him for being white.

Footage of LaBeouf in the squad car shows him telling an officer “If I had my gun I’d blow up your s**t,” calling him a “pirate bitch” and saying to the white officer “you put your own kind in a pen.” At the police station while being booked, he continued ranting, telling one officer he was going to hell for being black and a white officer that his wife wants “black dick.”

The next day, LaBeouf apologized, saying:

“I am deeply ashamed of my behavior and make no excuses for it…My outright disrespect for authority is problematic to say the least, and completely destructive to say the worst.

I have been struggling with addiction publicly for too long, and I am actively taking steps toward securing my sobriety and hope I can be forgiven for my mistakes.”

LaBeouf also blamed his behavior on his drinking problem. Which is probably true, but I’ve been drunk plenty of times and never went on a racist rant. You know who does go on racist rants when they’re drunk? Racists. I don’t know of a single alcoholic beverage that makes non-racist people say a bunch of racist things. Maybe malt liquor. Oh jeez, now I’ve done it, I’m going to have to go to rehab, too.

Shia’s hard times are probably caused by the way 4chan keeps finding his “He Will Not Divide Us” flag no matter how hard he tries to hide it. This seems to have really gotten under his skin, since he sounded almost exactly like one of those alt-right /pol/ posters calling someone a cuckold. I assume if he knew the term “cuck” LaBeouf would have used it, since it’s become racist shorthand for “your wife has sex with black guys right in front of you”.

To be fair to LaBeouf, “pirate bitch” is one of the best, most nonsensical insults I’ve ever heard and I’m going to start using it in casual conversation.