Some British Teens Haven’t Seen Cows, Says Newspaper

According to a study performed by The Prince’s Countryside Fund, one in eight British teenagers have never seen a cow in person. This was reported by The Telegraph, presumably while wondering why newspapers are a dying medium.

The study showed, among other things, that over half of British teens haven’t climbed a tree in the past year and that only one in ten knows that turnips grow best in the winter. I nearly dropped by monocle into my poached eggs when I heard this, so luckily my valet was there to attend to my shock. My man Jeeves then assured me that if a teenager needed to know at what time of year they should plant a turnip, they could just look that information up on the cell phones they had in their pocket like a normal person might do. Sounds like another one of your crazy schemes to me, Jeeves!

The Prince’s Countryside Fund is a charity run by Prince Charles to “improve the prospects of family farm businesses and the quality of rural life.” And presumably to distract from the fact that everyone hates him because when he was married to the most beloved woman in the world, he cheated on her with his current wife, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Basically, the future king of The United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and at least a dozen other countries is one elevator ass-kicking away from being Jay Z and his idea to reform his image is to complain that kids today don’t play in streams enough. Long live the Queen.

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