These Transcripts From Famous Douchebag Martin Shkreli’s Trial Are Hilarious

Earlier this month, world class douche Martin Shkreli was convicted of three counts of securities fraud in relation to a pharmaceuticals company he owned called Retrophin. God, even his companies have dumbass names. Anyway, aside from the fact that this little manlet is facing up to 45 years in prison, you may have thought the best thing to come out of his trial were these courtroom sketches of him that really capture what a little asshole he is. You would, however, be wrong.

Harper’s Magazine, in their September issue, released an abridged transcript of the three days of jury selection process for the trial in which over 200 potential jurors were dismissed. What makes these transcripts so good, you might ask? Have a look at the very first prospective juror’s comments.

The Court: The purpose of jury selection is to ensure fairness and impartiality in this case. If you think that you could not be fair and impartial, it is your duty to tell me. All right. Juror Number 1.
Juror no. 1: I’m aware of the defendant and I hate him.
Benjamin Brafman: I’m sorry.
Juror no. 1: I think he’s a greedy little man.
The Court: Jurors are obligated to decide the case based only on the evidence. Do you agree?
Juror no. 1: I don’t know if I could. I wouldn’t want me on this jury.
The Court: Juror Number 1 is excused.

Benjamin Brafman is one of Shkreli’s lawyers. Juror Number 1 is the voice of all that’s good and decent in the world, apparently. But the fun doesn’t stop there, even people who hadn’t heard about Shkreli price-gouging cancer patients hated him on sight.

The Court: Juror Number 52, how are you?
Juror no. 52: When I walked in here today I looked at him, and in my head, that’s a snake — not knowing who he was. I just walked in and looked right at him and that’s a snake.
Brafman: So much for the presumption of innocence.
The Court: We will excuse Juror Number 52.

Juror Number 52 might be the world’s best judge of character. Of course, it’s not that hard to look at Martin Shkreli and know he’s an asshole. A tiny, pathetic little asshole.

The Court: Juror Number 144, tell us what you have heard.
Juror no. 144: I heard through the news of how the defendant changed the price of a pill by up-selling it. I heard he bought an album from the Wu-Tang Clan for a million dollars.
The Court: The question is, have you heard anything that would affect your ability to decide this case with an open mind. Can you do that?
Juror no. 144: I don’t think I can because he kind of looks like a dick.
The Court: You are Juror Number 144 and we will excuse you.

Speaking of dicks, do you think anyone has ever touched Martin Shkreli’s for free? If I had to guess, I’d say no, but there’s really no way of knowing for sure.

The Court: Juror 41, are you coming up?
Juror no. 41: I was looking yesterday in the newspaper and I saw the defendant. There was something about him. I can’t be fair. There was something that didn’t look right.
The Court: All right. I’m going to excuse you. Juror Number 59, come on up.
Juror no. 59: Your Honor, totally he is guilty and in no way can I let him slide out of anything because —
The Court: Okay. Is that your attitude toward anyone charged with a crime who has not been proven guilty?
Juror no. 59: It’s my attitude toward his entire demeanor, what he has done to people.
The Court: All right. We are going to excuse you, sir.
Juror no. 59: And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.

That thing that didn’t look right to Juror Number 41 is his face. But Juror Number 59 absolutely nails what is perhaps Shkreli’s biggest crime: He disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan, whom I’m given to understand ain’t nuthin’ ta f**k wit.

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6 years ago