Taylor Swift Owns Defense’s Lawyer in Ass Grabbing Trial

Taylor Swift has spent more time in a courtroom than she has the studio this past year. That might not be entirely true, but I’m royally pissed off that there hasn’t been a new Taylor Swift album in three years. It’s all the fault of some DJ named David Mueller, who got handsy with Swift during a meet and greet in 2013.

While taking a photo with Swift, Mueller took his shot and grabbed her ass. But he grabbed a little too long and ended up being sued for the incident. I guess no one taught him the art of “accidental brushing.”

The case has been ongoing for four days and includes terrible sketches of Swift. How come courtrooms can’t hire decent artists? Has there ever been a good courtroom sketch?

On Thursday, Taylor took the stand and gave her account of the incident.

“It was a definite grab. A very long grab. I don’t think it would be wise to estimate time in court, but I know it was long enough for me to be completely sure that it was intentional.”

Taylor not estimating time, knowing it could be used against her if she’s a second off, is why she’s the most brilliant person alive.

“He stayed latched on to my bare ass cheek… I felt him grab onto my ass cheek underneath my skirt. The first couple of milliseconds I thought it must be a mistake, so I moved to the side very quickly so that his side would be removed from my ass cheek, but it didn’t let go.”

“Rather than grabbing my ass outside of my clothing, he grabbed my ass underneath my clothing. He was busy grabbing my ass underneath my skirt, so he didn’t grab it outside of my skirt.”

This man had a vice grip death lock on her ass according to her testimony. He’s in the wrong and still an idiot, but I respect his willingness and commitment.

Gabriel McFarland tried to place the blame of Swift’s bodyguard, Greg Dent, which was a huge mistake because Taylor is an amazing friend and very protective.

When asked if she thought Dent was one of her best bodyguards, she said, “I don’t have a competition in my mind over best bodyguards.” That should totally be a thing though. The Bodyguard Games. Who do I need to contact to make this happen?

Swift continued to defend Dent and even got snippy with Mr. McFarland.

“What Mr. Mueller did was, like I said, very intentional and the location was very intentional and it happened very quickly and I wasn’t going to blame Greg Dent for something Mr. Mueller did,” she said. When asked if she was critical of Dent for allowing someone to grope her, she retorted, “No, I am critical of your client sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.”

Oh, it got worse for this poor lawyer. He was probably expecting a scared girl who would cower on the stand. The fool did not realize he was dealing with the greatest diss artist of all-time.

Addressing the photo in question, McFarland asked Swift why her skirt was not lifting in the front. “Because my ass is in the back of my body,” she responded with some laughs from people in the court room. “I named my cat after Dr. Olivia Benson from Law and Order.”

Swift’s lawyer didn’t bother questioning his client. He probably should have paid her his salary for the day.

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17 Comments on "MET Costume Institute Gala 2016"

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Nah. The song is so immature and outright stupid that Kanye is probably somewhere laughing his ass off.

Thao Truong

dont be jealous…that song basically says it all. its genius…how else is it breaking record…if it sucked then everyone would say so….revenge comes in everyway and she got hers by being top of the list…lets see all her haters get there like taylor did. NOTTTT


She could have released a track of her farting and it’d be #1. With her, that’s not a good demonstration of if it being a good song.


It’s genius? It’s not even music.
This generic crap wouldn’t have managed to be a B-side on a Madonna single 20 years ago.


Funny, She sold out 5 nights at the Staple Center for 1989 which seated a total of 86,000 people, She has sold 120,000 tickets in the Rose Bowl so far for the “Reputation”. I doubt he is laughing to loud, he made $31,745,967 on his Saint Pablo Tour, she sold $180,000,000 worth of tickets the first week.


Remember when Taylor wrote poppy country songs…?

Shawn Cicero

wow people are nutty stalkers


Pretend to like her fans? Bwhahahahahahaha you are fucking pathetic.


who the hell are you guys? no names, just jealous of her fame and success. But who can blame you? You do this for green.

Sinead McGowan

ooooh Taylor’s army

Atomic Rat

oh my fucking god !!!!!!

she’s so existential… she’s so multidimensional… she’s so fucking awesomely…. banal and pedantic.

So you really don’t have to have anything one the ball other than a good PR firm and a fair agent to be a success as a pop star.

I didn’t believe them. It’s still hard to believe.


That girl is too high maintenance and a loon.

Atomic Rat

Sailor Twit – the rally face of the nazi generation.

Nice one. The one trick pony and the goosesteppers.

Sieg Heil, frau Taylor. I see you’re on to your next crossover genre.

Not Telling

The only racist here is you. It consumes you to the point of you making retarded comments like this.


“Except, anyone can join. Even if they are not, wait for it, fans of Taylor.” How would a phone app know whether or not someone is a fan of Taylor Swift? What’s it going to do, read all your archived text messages to see if you talk about Miss Swift with your friends and determine if you said positive or negative things about her?

Perry de Havilland

“Taylor has been criticized by just about everyone for not speaking for or against Trump”

Yeah Taylor is missing a beat here, I mean we all just *love* to be lectured by sage-like showbiz celebrities about politics, right?


1/3rd of the country supports being mean and fueling drama, while the other 2/3rds has had enough. So Taylor’s drama filled, passive aggressive, mean girl behavior is no longer tolerated by most. Most of us had enough of Taylor & people like her.

Thai Wu

No doubt she will sell out if her rich father and rich close business connections buy them up to save her REPUTATION.

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