Taylor Swift Owns Defense’s Lawyer in Ass Grabbing Trial

Taylor Swift has spent more time in a courtroom than she has the studio this past year. That might not be entirely true, but I’m royally pissed off that there hasn’t been a new Taylor Swift album in three years. It’s all the fault of some DJ named David Mueller, who got handsy with Swift during a meet and greet in 2013.

While taking a photo with Swift, Mueller took his shot and grabbed her ass. But he grabbed a little too long and ended up being sued for the incident. I guess no one taught him the art of “accidental brushing.”

The case has been ongoing for four days and includes terrible sketches of Swift. How come courtrooms can’t hire decent artists? Has there ever been a good courtroom sketch?

On Thursday, Taylor took the stand and gave her account of the incident.

“It was a definite grab. A very long grab. I don’t think it would be wise to estimate time in court, but I know it was long enough for me to be completely sure that it was intentional.”

Taylor not estimating time, knowing it could be used against her if she’s a second off, is why she’s the most brilliant person alive.

“He stayed latched on to my bare ass cheek… I felt him grab onto my ass cheek underneath my skirt. The first couple of milliseconds I thought it must be a mistake, so I moved to the side very quickly so that his side would be removed from my ass cheek, but it didn’t let go.”

“Rather than grabbing my ass outside of my clothing, he grabbed my ass underneath my clothing. He was busy grabbing my ass underneath my skirt, so he didn’t grab it outside of my skirt.”

This man had a vice grip death lock on her ass according to her testimony. He’s in the wrong and still an idiot, but I respect his willingness and commitment.

Gabriel McFarland tried to place the blame of Swift’s bodyguard, Greg Dent, which was a huge mistake because Taylor is an amazing friend and very protective.

When asked if she thought Dent was one of her best bodyguards, she said, “I don’t have a competition in my mind over best bodyguards.” That should totally be a thing though. The Bodyguard Games. Who do I need to contact to make this happen?

Swift continued to defend Dent and even got snippy with Mr. McFarland.

“What Mr. Mueller did was, like I said, very intentional and the location was very intentional and it happened very quickly and I wasn’t going to blame Greg Dent for something Mr. Mueller did,” she said. When asked if she was critical of Dent for allowing someone to grope her, she retorted, “No, I am critical of your client sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.”

Oh, it got worse for this poor lawyer. He was probably expecting a scared girl who would cower on the stand. The fool did not realize he was dealing with the greatest diss artist of all-time.

Addressing the photo in question, McFarland asked Swift why her skirt was not lifting in the front. “Because my ass is in the back of my body,” she responded with some laughs from people in the court room. “I named my cat after Dr. Olivia Benson from Law and Order.”

Swift’s lawyer didn’t bother questioning his client. He probably should have paid her his salary for the day.