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T.J. Miller is the World’s Strangest Yelper

T.J. Miller appears to have a new career. After leaving Silicon Valley at the end of last season and appearing in the utter waste of celluloid that was The Emoji Movie, Miller seems to be finding steady work as Yelp’s most stoned reviewer.

T.J.’s rambling, borderline nonsensical Yelp reviews are just the thing we need to raise our spirits in these dark times of hurricanes and endless war. Just look at this short 3-star review of Seoul Garden of San Francisco:

Perky nibber herbin bee feet.
I thought the Bulgogi was mild and not SUPER flavorful, but not in a Danny bland way, in a subtle Steven way.
All the fixings were served with and they give you delicious lettuce to put meat in and live in the late nineties on an Atkins diet sort of vibe.
I wouldn’t trust this place with my kids but I would trust them with yours- they are reliably delicous but an a distance.

Please tip your waitstaff,
I love you all like Lauren Bacall.
T.J.

Clearly the “I’m super high all the time” thing isn’t an act.

Here’s a 4-star review Miller gave New York sushi joint Rasa:

So this is our first time eating at rasa, and they made us feel at casa. That means home in Spanish!  We ordered only sashimi and explained that we were in a hurry because we are going to get our feet attached our heads at 4pm. They didn’t understand that at all, because it wasn’t true or real, but boil oh boy were they accommodating to our rush.  The miso soup came out so fast we thought we had peed it up thru the table!
We only ordered sashimi, which was very good on the Tuna side, but the salmon was a little chewy. You can’t blame them for that some salmon are just tough as hell. They can be tough cookies. They can be really hard on themselves and others.  Some salmon can be hard to get close to the emotionally or physically, they can just be tough. But if you’re in a rough spot and you’re looking for somebody who can get you out of it the person tough enough with the right stuff to take you through… That salmon is that person.  So I don’t really blame them particularly, and my wife and I are excited to hit that place up again!  We’ll hit it as hard as that salmon would hit someone that was bullying a small child fish!
More to come, my crumple bun,
-Hibbins!

I honestly can’t get enough of these. They’re way more entertaining than Lourde’s weird onion ring Instagram. Even though I could probably read his Yelp reviews forever and not need any other sort of entertainment, let’s hope T.J. Miller gets some acting work soon, because he’s clearly sliding into some sort of insanity.

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