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Vagina Swimsuit Ornaments are Hopefully Not the Hot New Trend in Fashion

Ladies, have you ever gone to the beach and been embarrassed that your stylish swimsuit didn’t feature wind chimes hanging from your vagina? Well, you’ll never have that problem again thanks to BeachTail. You’ll be the talk of the town for the small price of letting a silver-plated brass chain rub your labia and clitoris raw under your swimsuit.

This product, produced in Japan and sold to the same sorts of people who get Chinese characters they can’t read tattooed across their lower back, is available on eBay, Amazon and Etsy from a company called BoDivas. It features a metal chain that hangs down from your swimsuit and two large Swarovski crystals. Swarovski is an Austrian word that means “ugly glass crap”.

The Etsy page for the BeachTail describes it as being appropriate for a Christmas or birthday gift. Go ahead, guys, buy one of these for your wife or girlfriend next Christmas. I can assure you that the chain will be touching her vagina long before she ever lets you do it again.

BoDivas also sells clips meant to be attached to the nipples and clit. Because there’s nothing classier than having some baubles on chains hanging off of your clit. It’s the same design Dame Judi Dench wore when she played Lady Macbeth in the Royal Shakespeare Company opposite Sir Ian McKellen.

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