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World’s Dumbest Lovers: Man Jailed After Woman Accidentally Shoots Her Vagina

I’m not the world’s greatest lover. I do alright, and I’ve left some women quite satisfied, but I’ve also had my fair share of fumbling, awkward encounters that weren’t that much fun for anyone involved. But I’m clearly not the world’s worst lover, either. That honor goes to David Jeffers, 47, of Leeds who was sentenced to ten years in prison after he accidentally shot his lover, 46, in the vagina while he was fucking her with a loaded shotgun.

Jeffers was originally charged with attempted murder after the woman, whose name British law prevents papers there from reporting, told police Jeffers was a “bad man” who tried to “blow her insides out”. However, these charges were reduced to possession of a firearm with intent to endanger a life after text messages revealed that she was a willing participant in the stupidest sex act I’ve ever heard of, having texted Jeffers the night before “I can’t sleep, so excited.”

The prosecutor, Oliver Saxby QC (Queen’s Counsel) described the incident as follows, per The Telegraph:

“The defendant is 47 years of age and falls to be sentenced upon count three of the indictment. The victim is 46 years of age and was employed in the Stockport area which was some distance from her home and would regularly stay over at the Britannia.

“On the evening of the 30th of January 2017 she was stayed at the hotel where the defendant met her and they spent the evening together. Text messages between the two confirmed this was an intimate relationship. The defendant had access to a loaded fire arm which has never been found.

“The weapon, as described by both the victim and defendant was some form of shot gun or weapon capable of discharging shots. In appearance it looked like a small hand gun or musket of some form.

“From text messages received from his sister’s phone it would appear that the defendant was no stranger to the possession of a loaded fire arm. Whether the text message related to the fire arm used that evening it is not possible to say but acquisition of this fire arm was not by chance.

“Drugs and alcohol had been consumed by both of them and tests confirmed the presence of cocaine in the victim’s system and there is CCTV footage of the pair purchasing spirits from a nearby off license that evening.

“There was consensual sex and at some stage the defendant inserted the loaded firearm into her vagina which was then discharged, casing catastrophic internal injuries.

“As she lay grievously injured the defendant dressed and took with him the firearm and his mobile phone, using the room phone to dial reception and request an ambulance indicating that a female had been shot. He then left the hotel by the rear exit where he then fled to Leeds making no further enquiries about his victim’s well-being.

“The night manager who answered the phone went upstairs to investigate and once in the room he saw her laying naked face down on the bed and was in-coherent saying she had been shot. She was in considerable pain saying: ‘I am in agony, I am going to die.'”

Holy crap. For starters, I think we should stop referring to the woman involved as “the victim” and start calling her “the other dumbass”. Having sex with a loaded shotgun is just asking for something to go wrong. I get it, some people are turned on by danger or risk, but this is far beyond the limits of common sense. And if the only way you can come is to have a shotgun shoved up inside your business, don’t get drunk and coked up beforehand, you don’t want to get sloppy while there’s a shotgun inside you. But luckily for all the men in the world, next time your wife or girlfriend or Tinder hookup is annoyed that you’re a little too quick on the draw, just show her this story, because no matter how bad the sex is, it wasn’t “getting your uterus blown out by a shotgun” bad.

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