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Christian Bale Gets Fat, Has Soul Removed to Play Dick Cheney

Sometimes, Hollywood casting has a serendipitous quality to it. Christian Bale playing Dick Cheney is one of those times. Bale already basically played a young Dick Cheney in American Psycho, so his role in Backseat won’t be a stretch. We here at The Blemish actually managed to get a hold of his audition for the role of Cheney, and I think you’ll agree he nailed it.

Okay, he clearly sounds like Dick Cheney, but Christian Bale is handsome and fit, which is to say he doesn’t look much like Dick Cheney. Well, Bale has been packing on the pounds, and according to The Independent, his secret is pie. He literally said of his preparation for the film, “I’ve just been eating a lot of pies.”

Let’s be glad that they gave this role to Christian Bale and not Jared Leto. Bale has been eating pie, Leto would have already shot someone in the face and broken into the Senate to tell Pat Leahy to go fuck himself by now.

I honestly can’t tell if Backseat is going to be a comedy or a drama. It’s written by Adam McCay and Steve Carell is playing Donald Rumsfeld, which sounds like comedy. Maybe Dick and Donny go on a wacky adventure while they commit war crimes under not one, not two but three separate presidential administrations. It’s like Doctor Strangelove, but instead of inadvertently destroying the world in a nuclear holocaust they inadvertently create ISIS.

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