Forget About the Brewing Nuclear Annihilation of Mankind, There’s Going to Be Another Royal Baby!

The royal family of the United Kingdom is about to get a little larger, as Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge is expecting another child. The first child of Catherine and Prince William, Prince George, will one day be King of the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand and Head of the Commonwealth, while this child, the couple’s third, will be Duke or Duchess of Who Gives a S**t, Probably Kent or Leeds.

The official Kensington Palace Twitter account issued the press release, seen below.

This is absolutely wonderful news for the BBC and Sky News, who will no doubt offer breathless, around-the-clock coverage of the birth of the child whose name won’t be announced for nine months, but has already been preemptively forgotten by history,. You know, unless he or she seriously fucks something up. Like that time Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi for Halloween. Remember that? Hell, did you even remember Prince Harry’s name? I called him Andrew in the first draft of this article. In 100 years, “What are the names of King George VII of England’s siblings?” will be a Trivial Pursuit question that no one ever gets right.

The Windsors have been reluctant wearers of the crown. King George VI became king when his brother, King Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry Wallis Simpson, an American divorcée. King George and his daughter Queen Elizabeth have whined endlessly about the burden of being Monarch, even though you’re waited on hand and foot and the role is mostly ceremonial, and the official duties consisting mainly of giving one speech a year. Although if I had to take a weekly meeting with Theresa May, I’d probably be near suicidal, so I don’t want to be too hard on Her Maj.

Barring an increasingly likely Warhammer 40K situation where Queen Elizabeth is kept barely alive on a golden throne for millennia as the God-Emperor of Mankind, the weight and responsibility of the Crown will fall, eventually, to Prince George. His younger siblings, including Prince or Princess Fetus, will live the life of the idle rich, Bertie Woostering their way through life, drowning their sorrows at not being the oldest in the lap of some supermodel, known to history only as a side character in a film starring whoever the 2150 equivalent of Helen Mirren is and from an obituary that will probably mention how they were “devoted to their charity work” and “loved horses.”

I’m not saying that America is definitely better than the United Kingdom, but at least Barack Obama’s half-brother Malik has the common courtesy to be completely insane in an entertaining way.

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