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North Korea Launches Weapon of Mass Dance-struction at US

Tensions have been high between the US and North Korea lately, primarily because both countries are being run by saber-rattling dullards who are trying to make themselves look like strong leaders by escalating tensions and flexing their military muscle. But North Korea has moved away from showing off their nuclear capability to show off some sick dance moves, bro. Just take a look at this video, released by North Korea, that shows their finest military men performing a three-minute choreographed dance.

I’m going to be honest with you, I was half expecting those fancy dancing military men to transform into some bootleg North Korean Power Rangers or something. The other half of me was expecting the video to end with a bunch of North Koreans changing “Served! Served! Served!” like in that terrible movie. You know the one. Damn, You Got Served is over a decade old at this point, but my references are still as fresh as the North Korean military’s dance moves.

At this point, I feel like it’s worth mentioning that cannabis is completely legal in North Korea while sarcasm is illegal. I’m not sure that tradeoff is worth it, honestly. As much as I love weed, I love sarcasm so much more. But back on topic, I’m pretty sure someone got high and made the sarcastic suggestion to scare America into submission with a display of manliness only a Broadway-style dance number could show, then had to act like they meant it sincerely and produced it to avoid getting their nuts shocked or whatever.

In case you’ve forgotten, North Korea and Iran both began developing nuclear weapons in response to George W Bush’s 2002 Axis of Evil speech, in which he named them, along with Iraq, as state sponsors of terrorism. Seeing what happened in Iraq, both countries decided that the only way to prevent an American invasion was to have a nuclear capability. I mention this because some people think America electing incompetent morons who substitute saber-rattling for actual foreign policy is a new phenomenon.

Just imagine how much better the Red Dawn remake could have been if this video had been released before it was made. Thousands of North Koreans parachute into the United States and start furiously breakdancing. The only hope for freedom and democracy is a scrappy dance troupe called the Wolverines, led by Adolfo “Shaba-Doo” Quiñones. Breakin’ 3: Red Dawn Boogaloo, coming soon to a theater near you.

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