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O.J. Simpson Could Be Released Monday

After spending nine years shitting himself in prison, O.J. Simpson will be free to shit himself in the comfort of his own home as early as Monday. When asked for comment, Garfield the Cat responded ,“There’s more to me than just hating Mondays, you know,” which was surprising because he’s a cat and also fictional. And if you think that joke was dumb, let me remind you about how O.J. got sentenced to prison in the first place.

Basically, Simpson found out some sports memorabilia dealers had a bunch of O.J. Simpson memorabilia which he believed had been stolen from him. Instead of doing what a rational person without CTE would do, i.e. calling the police, O.J. got a bunch of guys with guns together and busted into the hotel room where the dealers were staying. They took all the O.J. stuff and for some reason some Pete Rose baseballs and signed Joe Montana photos. The memorabilia dealers did what rational people do when they’re robbed at gunpoint by an NFL Hall of Famer and called the police.

O.J. ended up getting sentenced to 9 to 33 years in prison while all of his accomplices got probation, presumably because only Simpson had killed his ex-wife and some dude she knew and gotten off scott free.

Once out of prison, O.J. will be free to continue not making any income just to mess with Fred Goldman, along with eating cookies without fear of reprisal. He’ll also only be like, the 59th worst former NFL player, so he’s got that going for him. And there’s still a chance for Simpson to rehabilitate his image, because as long as you don’t kneel during the national anthem, football fans seem just fine with players killing people.

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