New Taylor Swift Is All About Bathroom Sex and Disappointing Fans

Welcome to the world, new Taylor Swift.

Over the weekend, Taylor dressed up as a bridesmaid for her best friend Abigail’s wedding. As a bridesmaid, Abigail’s best friend, and Taylor friggin’ Swift, she was tasked with giving a speech during the reception. If you thought Taylor would keep it clean and talk about the good times she had with her longtime friend, you thought wrong.

A short clip of Taylor's speech at Abigail and Matt's wedding last night!

A post shared by Taylor Swift Updates (@taylorswift.updates) on

For those that can’t listen, here’s the transcript via Hollywood Life.

“She’s running after him, there’s falling, there’s stumbling … They make it to the bathroom and I can hear sounds that I can never unhear … and then there’s silence. And then…”

That’s where the video cuts off, leaving everyone in suspense as to what happened next. I’m going to assume that Matt said “I love you” and that’s when Taylor knew her best friend had found the one. Ladies, find you a man that’s willing to have bathroom sex with you while the biggest pop star in the world is listening.

Abigail and Matt are seen laughing in the video, but that’s probably a “she’s Taylor Swift, we kinda have to laugh” laugh and not a “this is actually funny” laugh.

However, it wasn’t all sex stories and smiles for Swift at the wedding. As she was leaving, fans wanted pictures and autographs. When Swift exited without a greeting, the fans started to boo. “We thought you loved your fans. Very disappointing, not cool,” said one fan cosplaying as Donald Trump.

Reverse shout out to all of those fans who give fans a bad name. Swift was taking part in her friend’s wedding. That isn’t the time to scream at her for autographs and pictures. Do you know the hell bridesmaids are put through prior to the wedding? The bride has it easy. She just freaks out a little. It’s the bridesmaid that has to put out every single fire and calm the bride.

I look forward to her new single “My Best Friend in the Bathroom.”

  • gem2477

    Nah. The song is so immature and outright stupid that Kanye is probably somewhere laughing his ass off.

    • Thao Truong

      dont be jealous…that song basically says it all. its genius…how else is it breaking record…if it sucked then everyone would say so….revenge comes in everyway and she got hers by being top of the list…lets see all her haters get there like taylor did. NOTTTT

      • gem2477

        She could have released a track of her farting and it’d be #1. With her, that’s not a good demonstration of if it being a good song.

      • BigJimSlade

        It’s genius? It’s not even music.
        This generic crap wouldn’t have managed to be a B-side on a Madonna single 20 years ago.

  • AussieDan

    Remember when Taylor wrote poppy country songs…?

  • Shawn Cicero

    wow people are nutty stalkers

  • Mithrull

    Pretend to like her fans? Bwhahahahahahaha you are fucking pathetic.

  • Moise

    who the hell are you guys? no names, just jealous of her fame and success. But who can blame you? You do this for green.

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