New Taylor Swift Is All About Bathroom Sex and Disappointing Fans

Welcome to the world, new Taylor Swift.

Over the weekend, Taylor dressed up as a bridesmaid for her best friend Abigail’s wedding. As a bridesmaid, Abigail’s best friend, and Taylor friggin’ Swift, she was tasked with giving a speech during the reception. If you thought Taylor would keep it clean and talk about the good times she had with her longtime friend, you thought wrong.

For those that can’t listen, here’s the transcript via Hollywood Life.

“She’s running after him, there’s falling, there’s stumbling … They make it to the bathroom and I can hear sounds that I can never unhear … and then there’s silence. And then…”

That’s where the video cuts off, leaving everyone in suspense as to what happened next. I’m going to assume that Matt said “I love you” and that’s when Taylor knew her best friend had found the one. Ladies, find you a man that’s willing to have bathroom sex with you while the biggest pop star in the world is listening.

Abigail and Matt are seen laughing in the video, but that’s probably a “she’s Taylor Swift, we kinda have to laugh” laugh and not a “this is actually funny” laugh.

However, it wasn’t all sex stories and smiles for Swift at the wedding. As she was leaving, fans wanted pictures and autographs. When Swift exited without a greeting, the fans started to boo. “We thought you loved your fans. Very disappointing, not cool,” said one fan cosplaying as Donald Trump.

Reverse shout out to all of those fans who give fans a bad name. Swift was taking part in her friend’s wedding. That isn’t the time to scream at her for autographs and pictures. Do you know the hell bridesmaids are put through prior to the wedding? The bride has it easy. She just freaks out a little. It’s the bridesmaid that has to put out every single fire and calm the bride.

I look forward to her new single “My Best Friend in the Bathroom.”

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