Ivanka Trump’s Sex Playlist is as Exciting as her Father is Competent

Have you ever wondered what Ivanka Trump puts on when she and her husband Jared Kushner are about to have some very, very pasty sex? No? Well too bad, because now we all know, and it is as boring and generic a sex playlist as I’ve ever seen. Ivanka Trump made a Spotify playlist called “991122” public, and The Huffington Post was right there to bring you the news that matters.

Ivanka picked 5 songs for her big night: “All of Me” and “Ordinary People” by John Legend, “When I Was Your Man” by Bruno Mars, “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt and “When We Were Young” by Adele. I read it and I had the sad thought that pile of generic garbage is their special anniversary sex playlist, not their “it’s a weeknight so let’s get this over with before the kids wake up” playlist.

Pair all this with the knowledge that the list was made just 10 days before the couple’s anniversary, and it’s hard to see this as anything but their 21-minute sex playlist. Still, admittedly, it is not definitive proof.

There are, however, some things we can know for certain. The Spotify account, for instance, definitely belongs to Ivanka. Back in 2014, Ivanka Trump shared her “Weekend Morning” playlist on her website, The embedded list — which contains such aggressively uninteresting hits as “Send Me On My Way” by Rusted Root and “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson — was created by the same Ivanka Trump who created the apparent 21-minute sex playlist in question.

We also know that the couple (or at least the Ivanka half of it) has a history of getting sentimental over songs—especially those that hold some sort of significance to their relationship. In 2013, while talking about giving birth to her first child, Arabella, Ivanka told Fit Pregnancy magazine that she and Jared “made a playlist for the delivery of all the songs from our relationship. Arabella was actually born while my wedding song, ‘This Year’s Love’ by David Gray, was playing. It was a coincidence, but it was cool!”

This is some quality investigative journalism by The Huffington Post. Hey, did you know two guys who live by the Secretary of the Interior got a no-bid contract to rebuild the electric infrastructure for the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria?

Anyway, much like Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump, this playlist screams “basic” and “vanilla”. It’s the pumpkin spice of boner jams. Also, it’s only 20 minutes long, what is up with that? Either Jared Kushner’s got a secret four-hour playlist called “880011” that he plays while he eats Ivanka’s ass or the things 15-year-old me fantasized about doing with Ivanka Trump were way off base. It’s your anniversary, Kushner, at least get down there and lick some pussy. Make an effort.

I’m surprised there’s no Nirvana on this playlist, but “Come As You Are” would probably just be a depressing reminder of something Kushner hasn’t made Ivanka do in ten years. Do you think she calls Jared daddy? That’d be super weird in her case, wouldn’t it?

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6 years ago

Ahhh the hate obsession continues…..