Santa Claus is Real, And He’s Dead, And We Dug Up His Corpse

Archeologists in Turkey have found what they believe to be the remains of Santa Claus. So Merry Christmas, if you misbehave Zombie Claus is going to eat your brains.

Okay, so what they’ve really found, according to The Telegraph, is the remains of Nicholas of Myra, a Catholic saint upon whom the Santa Claus myth was based. Like the Buddha Hotei, Saint Nicholas is associated with the spirit of generosity to children. Also, he has historically been depicted with dark skin, but don’t tell Megyn Kelly, she might have a heart attack.

This is actually a really cool story because the Catholic Church thought they already had Saint Nicholas’s remains.

Previously, the remains were believed to have then been smuggled to the Italian city of Bari by merchants in the year 1087. Christians visit the site of what was thought to be his final resting place in Bari’s Basilica di San Nicola.

However, Turkish experts are now claiming the wrong bones were removed and those taken abroad belong to another, local priest, rather than the legendary bishop.

It’s like that episode of The Simpsons with Jebediah Springfield’s silver tongue, only with Santa’s bones. Also, what happens to all those people who were praying to the wrong desecrated corpse for all these years? They’re probably going to hell, right? Reincarnated as a reindeer poop scooper? You really don’t want to cross Santa.

This discovery of Santa’s remains could start a whole new tradition where dads across the world dress up as Santa’s sun-bleached bones and come down the chimney, demanding an offering of milk and cookies in exchange for the lives of the children in the house. You know that someone is pitching that movie to a Hollywood studio right now, and hopefully after the pitch meeting they go back to the Olive Garden, never to be heard from again.

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