Escort Shoots John Because He Gave Lousy Head

I’m not sure how a person can be so bad at oral sex that the person they’re performing it on literally tries to murder them because of it, but I can now say, with certainty, that it has happened a non-zero number of times. At least that’s the explanation Marissa Wallen gave for why she shot a man who had paid her for sex twice in the back of the head, according to reports by The Everett Herald and My Everett News.

The police report on the incident said Wallen was “emotionless and showed that she was cold and calculating. In the end she said that she shot (the victim) two times in the head because he was preforming oral sex wrong and she did not know how to tell him that.”

That’s pretty crazy. What kind of sociopath do you have to be to think “well, I don’t want to tell him to go watch a video on how to eat pussy, I guess I’ll just blow his brains out instead.”

Also, I’ve gotten bad blowjobs in the past, and overall, they’re still pretty enjoyable. Definitely better than not getting a blowjob. If someone gave me a blowjob and then gave me money for it afterwards, I wouldn’t particularly care how good at it they were.

You may be asking “who pays for a hooker and then goes down on her? Why pay to do that?” Well, for starters, I feel sorry for your sexual partners, but the answer is “someone who likes eating pussy but has trouble meeting people.” Or maybe he just wanted to improve his technique, it turns out he’s not very good at it. When someone wants to get better at hitting baseballs, they pay to go a batting cage, they don’t go straight to playing for the Phillies, even if it might seem like that’s the case.

Okay, so Wallen may have had an ulterior motive. After shooting her client in the head and leaving him for dead, she figured he wouldn’t be needing his credit cards, so she took them and charged $12,000 worth of purchases to them over the course of two weeks. That actually sounds like a much clearer motive for trying to murder someone than that they weren’t eating your pussy right. Unless he had clamped onto her clit like a moray eel, I don’t see how murder even crosses your mind when you’re getting head.

Wallen has since been arrested for first-degree assault, first-degree robbery and first-degree identity theft, and I personally don’t see how she doesn’t end up being charged with attempted first-degree murder. The cherry on top of this sundae of insanity is that after a judge set her bail at one million dollars, she asked police to call one of her other johns and ask him to post bail for her. I think after you shoot a client in the head in order to rob him, your days as a small business owner are over.

The shooting victim actually lived through being shot twice in the head and left alone in his apartment for three days. He’s recovering in a local hospital, and all his asshole friends are probably going to be sending him links to that video where Nina Hartley tells you how to eat pussy for basically the rest of his life.