Mariah Carey Won’t Be Waddling to a Christmas Show Near You

Sad news for the 10 of you who still wait with baited breath every winter for Mariah Carey’s Christmas tour. It’s canceled. Well, a few shows are canceled. Those of you who can wait for later dates of the tour may still get lucky. Mariah has an upper respiratory infection and, on doctor’s orders, has canceled the first few stops.

This is distressing news as I can already hear you sobbing and attempting to hit her high notes as if in doing so it will magically heal her and, much like Mariah, you’re tragically failing. So, please, all I want for Christmas is for you to stop. My ears are bleeding.

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