Millennial Couple To Name Daughter ‘Olivia Garton’, Proving Entire Generation Was A Mistake

Some days I roll out of bed, look at the headlines and just sigh and think “white people need to be stopped”. Today is one of those days, because an Alabama couple is planning to name their daughter after a fast-casual restaurant. Yes, little Olivia Garton is due to be born next month to her parents, Meth and Fentanyl Garton. Err, I mean Justin and Jordan Garton.

“I’m only the third generation on my dad’s side to be born in America,” said Jordan Garton, 26. “I just love Italian food and growing up in Arkansas that’s pretty much one of the only Italian places that we ever got to go.”

You know, there’s a whole plot point in the Netflix series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where Kimmy and her sister Kymmi are super-excited about Olive Garden because they’re from a backwoods redneck town and it’s what they consider to be a nice restaurant there. So good on the Garton family for entirely living up to that stereotype.

In 2015, shortly after they got married, the Gartons purchased a “never ending pasta pass” from Olive Garden. The $100 pass allows customers to have unlimited pasta and Coca-Cola soft drinks at their local Olive Garden for a limited time.

“We committed to eating there every day for six or seven weeks to get our money’s worth,” said Justin Garton, 28, an actor who works in a furniture store to make ends meet. “It saved us several hundred dollars when we really needed it.”

Of course this hipster douche is an actor.

At what point in making your child’s name a stupid pun does the government step in and revoke your genitals? If it’s not when you name your kid after the Olive Garden, then buckle up because this story isn’t done.

Olivia’s full name will be Olivia Michelle Garton, or O.M.G.

“I guess we just have to be those hashtag millennial parents,” Jordan Garton said with a laugh.

Yeah, shut it down. We need to board up the vagina and backfill the vas deferens with cement here. But props to the ABC reporter who managed to interview these people without hitting them repeatedly with a rolled-up newspaper while yelling “bad hipster!” You have much more restraint than I do.

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5 years ago

Good God, if you’re going to insult us, at least spell our names correctly and get where we’re from right. The quotes that you stole from other articles (because you obviously don’t care about honest reporting and getting to know the true story for yourself) correctly names our state of origin and spells our surname correctly. Any idiot can then write a satirical article while at least getting their information straight. Way to fail at insulting our intelligence while clearly exposing your own.
Peace and Love,
-One Proud Italian Mama ❤

5 years ago
Reply to  ItalianMom

Stick to eating fast food and embarrassing your child, lady.

5 years ago

Cough, yeah… ‘White People’. As opposed to the people naming their kids Destinee, Shaeqwon, or Darryl – “it’s spelled Darryl but it’s pronouned ‘Dah-rel.'”
Poor taste is colour-blind mate.