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Merry Christmas, You’re Less Popular Than a 6-Year-Old

If you’ve ever felt self conscious about having trouble trying to build an audience on social media, get ready to feel a whole lot worse. Meet Ben Hampton, the 6-year-old douche-in-training with almost a million followers on Instagram. Why are 670,000 people following little Ben? Does he have any discernible skills or interesting observations on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict? No, he just took a few pictures with YouTube-famous idiot Jake Paul.

Yeah, I don’t feel great about running down a first grader, but he needs to grow up to be not Jake Paul as a bare minimum. Also, he’s a “social media influencer” which means people are being influenced by him, and in case you forgot he’s fucking six. Are 500,000 of his followers Jared Fogel? Why are we making 6-year-olds Instagram-famous? They’re basically tiny sociopaths, I’m pretty sure the Little Rascals were cannibals.

I mean, at least he’s working it with the age-appropriate honeys, that’s kind of cute, is she in his class or something? Oh, no, that’s an 8-year-old with 1.4 million followers on Instagram. What is going on here?

Well, at least she has normal friends her own age… oh wait, that’s a 9-year-old with 2.2 million followers. Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? I do not see the appeal here at all. I can barely stand to be around my friends’ kids, why would anyone want to follow some snot-nosed, sticky-handed kid they don’t even know?

Back to young Ben here, he did a Q&A video because people are just dying to hear what he has to say, I guess.

I mean, I guess it’s cute in a Kids Say The Darndest Things kind of way, but jeez, what is actually happening.

Well, what’s actually happening is that Ben’s father is Branden Hampton, a millionaire social media manager. Branden had the idea that people might find his jokes funnier if he posted on Twitter as @DaveChappelle and then by posting schmaltzy girly crap under @notebook. A few sample tweets:

You’re a dude in his 30s with a full beard, guy.

Okay, so that’s what’s going on here, this dude’s job is to make people famous on Twitter and he’s so good at it he made his son famous, too. Basically, this is what happens when I poke my head out of Weird Twitter and take a look at what normies are doing when they’re not talking about sriracha sauce or pumpkin spice; they’re buying the prepackaged idea that anyone in elementary school is possibly doing anything worth following on social media. I need to read some dril tweets to cleanse my mind of this.

Ah, okay, that’s better. I can go about my day now. And Ben… I’m sure I’m gonna roll my eyes every time I hear your name for the rest of my life, but at least you’re not as bad as Baron Trump. That kid always looks like he just finished drowning a puppy.

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