ESC

Better Ingredients. Better CEO. Papa John Steps Down

Pour one out for the Papa. Papa John, that is. And don’t actually waste your beverage on him.

Months after blaming NFL players for declining pizza sales, CEO John Schnatter has decided to resign from the company. Damn you, kneeling NFL players.

We now take you live to DiGiorno for their reaction:

If you’ll recall, DiGiorno got all in Papa John’s ingredients after the delivery company blamed NFL player protests on their declining sales. It’s tough to kneel and order pizza at the same time, ya’ll.

Following the alienation of minorities, white supremacists decided that Papa John’s was the pizza for them. Papa John decided they didn’t want Nazis eating their pizza.

After pissing off minorities by blaming them for low sales and then condemning white supremacists for wanting to eat their pizza…no one was left to eat their pizza. Except for me. It’s the only pizza delivery company near my place of residence. Don’t worry, I stock up on DiGiorno because they are good as hell.

NFL players have pretty much stopped kneeling, but I guess them rising off the ground has not led to Papa John’s sales rising. Funny. It’s almost like those two things weren’t connected at all and people just started to realize that Papa John’s is the worst of all the pizza chains. I don’t care about better ingredients. Give me bacon wrapped pizza stuffed with cheese.

Schnatter will remain with the company as the chairman, but Steve Ritchie will take over the day-to-day operations. No word yet on who will appear in their commercials with Peyton Manning. Or if the company will get a makeovers and become Papa Steve’s. I don’t think that would fool a lot of people, but this is America.

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