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‘Financial Dominatrix’ Made a Million Dollars From Bitcoin, Better Spend It Fast

Have you heard of financial domination, the sexual fetish where weirdo guys get off on giving women money? It’s like prostitution but without the sex. I think there’s some weird social justice aspect to it, like, the guys are those guys who make a big show of calling themselves “feminist allies” who are actually just trying to get laid, like Joss Whedon. You know, Hillary Men.

To be honest, I always assumed this was mostly made up, and I’m pretty sure it mostly is. See, I went on Twitter and checked out these findom hashtags. There’s a lot of women and a few men demanding money and whatnot, and for the most part no one is responding to them.

But MarketWatch has a profile of and interview with a woman who claims to have made over a million dollars just in Bitcoin, the fake internet Monopoly money that uses as much electricity as a first-world nation and that anyone familiar with Tulip Bulb mania has cashed out of already. (Seriously, when I started this article Bitcoin was down 5%, and when I got here it was down almost 7%). Her name is Theodora and honestly, she sounds a lot more like an expensive webcam model than someone begging for money on Twitter.

Based in Paris, Theodora has been working as a dominatrix for eight years and accepting cryptocurrency for four. She also specializes in “femdom hypnosis,” a process through which she says she’s able to dominate men using hypnotism. Her clients, all men, are in their late 30s to early 50s and usually come from the U.S. and the U.K., she said. They include a core group of 20 to 25 regular big spenders who make donations as high as $100,000 at once — some of whom she does “real time” sessions with in person — as well as 200 to 300 people who make smaller contributions online, most of whom never meet her in person. She communicates with them mostly online and by phone (she charges $25 a minute to call her and be ignored; $69 a minute to actually be spoken with).

Yeah, I don’t see how that isn’t just being a really expensive phone sex with a dominatrix edge. The interesting part is that she gets people to mine Bitcoin for her. Mining is the act of running complex mathematical equations on your computer for the benefit of no one but you’re rewarded with fake internet play money that some people still insist is going to bring down the American government or something. It’s like standing in your back yard spraying can after can of hairspray with CFC in it but every once in a while someone hands you a Beanie Baby for your trouble.

I take donations and also have people mining for me. I take a lot of geek clients who like new technology and they were really excited when I taught them how to build a mining rig for me so they could mine 24/7 from their home.

Man, hookers are nerdy these days. I remember the days when you’d just give a hooker $20 and get a blowjob; now you’re jerking off while someone budgets your money and keeps as much as they want. Seriously.

Relinquishing control from them is not just them paying me — it is me holding their credit card, having access to their bank accounts, and determining how much they need to live and how much I can take from them. I need to put them right on the limit. The point of financial domination isn’t about taking everything they have and leaving them on the street — the fetish is controlled and consensual.

You know there’s like, a ton of porn on the internet, right, dudes? Like, if you need to jack off, go watch some 22-year-old Asian give a blowjob on Pornhub. I assure you it’s much sexier than giving a hooker your credit card to not fuck you.

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