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Florida Woman Rubbed One Out on Her Arresting Officer

It looks like we might have a love connection here. You may be familiar with Florida Man, whose antics have including throwing an alligator through a drive-thru window, giving a press conference in sign language about pizza bears and trying to buy a car with food stamps, which would possibly only work if you were Tenzil Kem from The Legion Of Super-Heroes. Well, Florida Man, I’d like to introduce you to Florida Woman, so you can have some Florida babies.

Florida Woman, aka Nicole Shankster, got drunk at a bus stop, caused a disturbance, and then rubbed herself off on the arresting officer’s arm. Yeah, you read that right. Here’s what the officer said in her report, which was released by The Smoking Gun.

The defendant did intentionally sexually satisfy herself on my left arm and lick my right arm while I was restraining her from masturbating while in police custody.

Wow. Honestly, this isn’t that funny, a police officer was sexually assaulted by a drunk. You wouldn’t want some weird drunk woman rubbing her snatch against your arm and licking you, would you? Maybe you would, I don’t know how you live your life. But I do know that is not what N.W.A. meant by “Fuck the Police.”

Personally, I think you should just stay the fuck away from Florida altogether. I mean, what’s the appeal? The swamps? The 200% humidity? The Disney park that isn’t as good as the one in California? George Zimmerman? Everything in Florida is terrible.

There’s really only way to solve our Florida problem.

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