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See Omarosa’s Embarassing, Low-Budget Sci-Fi Film That’s Somehow Not Porn

It’s been a rough week for Omarosa. She got fired from her cushy White House job where she was paid the maximum amount allowed by law for a White House staffer to do PR work, and she may or may not have been dragged off kicking and screaming. I like to imagine she was. A quiet, dignified exit is just not in keeping with the reality show spectacle currently going on in the White House.

On top of that, however, a video appeared of Omarosa in the porniest non-porn movie I’ve ever seen. It’s called Soul Sistahs and it was produced in 2006 by Andrew Coppa. In the film, Omarosa is abducted by a stereotypical old Jewish auntie named Ruby, who for some reason has a tiny spaceship and a shrink ray. I’m not making any of this up, by the way, you can watch this for yourself.

I seriously don’t know how this isn’t porn. Ruby (who is an existing character and can be seen in other really strange videos on Planet Ruby) needs Omarosa to get some of Donald Trump’s hair, so Omarosa puts on a pleather bikini top and hot pants and how is this not porn? I keep rewatching it because I’m 100% positive if I watch it enough eventually people are going to start having sex.

This is honestly like, the best Christmas present ever. There’s this scene after Omarosa gets roofied by a cake where the background has a tie-dye effect and Omarosa and Ruby are dancing like Goldie Hahn on Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In and I don’t understand how that’s not followed by a 20-minute blowjob scene. There has to be a porn version of this somewhere, right? A director’s cut or something? The only way this could be porneriffic is if Omarosa took a cab to get Trump’s hair and forgot her purse and couldn’t pay the fare.

So why did this video surface now, just as Omarosa is on her way out at the White House? Is a conspiracy afoot? I’ve been following #TheResistance on Twitter all weekend, so I’m pretty sure this is the handiwork of Vladimir Putin, who is singlehandedly responsible for every election result anywhere in the world that you don’t like. Which is really convenient, because it means I didn’t back the wrong candidate in the primary and nominate someone so terrible that they couldn’t even win an election against Donald Trump, it was those dastardly Soviets!

The video has actually been available since 2006. I know this because the Planet Ruby website says to “get the new version so QuickTime” to watch it, and 2006 is roughly the last time anyone in world actually used QuickTime. The real question is how has this movie just been sitting on the internet for 11 years without anyone noticing it, and seriously, how is this not porn?

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