Absolutely No One is Surprised That Steven Seagal Has Been Accused Of Rape

You’re never going to believe this news, folks. Steven Seagal is being accused of rape. I know, it’s shocking, I thought we all already knew he was a rapist. Look at him and tell me you didn’t think he was a rapist. Also, he’s like BFFs with Vladimir Putin, and no one that into shirtless horseback riding hasn’t done a few rapes.

So what exactly did Steve Seagal do? Here’s what Regina Simons, who appeared with Seagal in On Deadly Ground, told The Wrap happened:

“He took me into this room and then just closed the door and started kissing me,” she said. “He then took my clothes off and before I knew it he was on top of me, raping me… I wasn’t sexually active yet. People always talk about fight-or-flight. But no one talks about the freeze.”

Seagal apparently does this a lot. Like when he just grabbed Katherine Heigel’s titty in front of everyone at a photo shoot? That was pretty weird. And like a dozen women are accusing him of various kinds of sexual misconduct.

God, remember when we thought this guy was an action star? Did he stop between every take to eat a meatball hoagie and breathe heavily for like, ten minutes? Like, the only detail of this story that’s even the slightest bit surprising is that Steven Seagal had the stamina to rape someone and didn’t have a heart attack on top of her.

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