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Barney the Dinosaur Totally Fucks Now

Remember Barney the Dinosaur? Barney was an 8-foot tall purple dinosaur who would sing and play with children on PBS in the 90s, before he was cast out of entertainment and into homelessness by The Teletubbies. Well, I suppose technically he was a tiny stuffed purple dinosaur who came to life and grew to eight feet tall every episode because we used to legally require all writers of children’s television to take mushrooms. Seriously, Dora the Explorer has a backpack that talks to her and she just shoves all her explorer tools in its mouth and wanders around with a monkey that wears wellies.

Anyway, now that he’s retired, Barney the Dinosaur is a sex worker. Yeah, I didn’t make that up like the thing about mushrooms, either. Vice caught up with David Joyner, the man who played Barney, and talked to him about his tantric sex workshop.

“When the lingam [penis] and the yoni [vagina] meet, there’s a certain energy that takes place that hands on the body alone cannot create,” says Joyner, 54, whose yogi-like presence is often accompanied by a warm smile when we meet for the first of several interviews. “Even through G-spot massage, it’s still not the same energy that flows.”

If you’re not following what that means, it means he fucks. He fucks real good. For money.

Today Joyner’s tantric massage practice boasts 30 clients—or “goddesses,” as he calls them—and he unblocks the energy of two to four women a week, he says.

“Unblocks” in this context is a metaphor for “slips them the 8 foot purple dinosaur.” Are you following this? Women pay Barney the Dinosaur $350 for 4 hours of fucking.

So, wanna hear what “I love you, you love me” sounds like today?

“When you go down on a woman (orally), it should be just like you’re saying grace, like blessing the food you’re about to receive. No food in the world can compare to goddess nectar because spirit is involved. Before you taste the goddess nectar, give thanks. Say grace. I would love women to understand how powerful that energy is.”

Yeah, I hear you, beloved children’s show icon, I like eating pussy, too. Not as much as I like pizza, but I get where you’re coming from. And speaking of coming:

For clients, this “higher and more blissful state of awareness” is often best achieved through penetrative, ideally unprotected sex, according to Joyner. Condoms “block the energy,” he says, and he prefers not to use them.

So, here’s every guy in the world negotiating with his girlfriend to let him go raw dog now that she has an IUD. “Come on baby, even Barney the Dinosaur says it’s better without a condom!” For what it’s worth, you can probably still find copies of Barney the Dinosaur Says Sex Is Better Without A Condom in the bargain bin at Walmart.

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That is one fucking salacious dinosaur!

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