Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson Are Hollywood’s New… Whatever the Opposite of a Power Couple Is

A few years ago, a friend of mine was defending listening to Coldplay while I just looked at him. I didn’t say anything, I just looked at him while he defended this terrible band. He finally stopped negotiating with himself over their value and said “look, they’re actually pretty good live,” to which I replied “yeah, but they’d be better dead.”

That really doesn’t have anything to do with Coldplay’s lead singer Chris Martin being spotted out with Dakota Johnson. I couldn’t be happier for them, and I think they really belong together; she’s famous for playing a knock-off Kristen Stewart in the world’s most boring porn movie and he’s famous for being a knock-off of a rock singer whose music would be right at home in porn movies.

People has sources reporting on the couple’s recent romance, presumably because they couldn’t find any sources close to any musicians or actors people actually care about.

“They seem to be getting more serious,” adds the source. “On Friday, they had dinner with friends. They also hung out at Chris’ house and went for a beach walk. They didn’t see each other over the holidays and seem excited to be catching up now.”

Do you think that when they finish a date, they both stop and think “gee, it’s nice to be dating someone who isn’t famous”?

I’m actually willing to bet that People’s anonymous sources are Dakota Johnson and Chris Martin, talking about themselves in the third person as they desperately claw their way up the C-list.

If you just can’t get enough of these two, you can catch Dakota Johnson in some movie that I’m absolutely sure Anna Kendrick and Brie Larson passed on and Chris Martin and the rest of Coldplay will probably be at your local county fair this summer. I hear they’re actually pretty good live.

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