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Helpful Teacher Allegedly Performs Oral Sex on Her Student, Massages Him, Then Comes Out as Gay Man

Can someone tell me why we’re always seeing stories about attractive women having sex with their teenaged students? I’ve been a 14-year-old boy, I was around other 14-year-old boys and I can report there is nothing sexy going on with 14-year-old boys. And it’s not like they’re going to make up for being gawky fart-machines with smooth talk. Teenaged boys are basically sociopaths with some sort of social disorder. There are zero suave 14-year-olds in the world. But according to the New York Post, teacher Dori Meyers just had to suck some teenaged dick.

Wearing a red Marist College sweatshirt and an annoyed frown, Dori Myers listened as prosecutors accused her of performing oral sex on a 14-year-old boy, and said a fellow teacher witnessed Myers massaging the victim.

“An annoyed frown”? She’s accused of pulling a Kevin Spacey and the emotion she’s going with is “sitting in traffic”? Okay, that’s a way to go. I might have gone with some make-up, seeing as how she kind of looks like Lena Dunham without it.

Prosecutors initially requested a $50,000 bail and said Myers “abused her position as a trusted authority figure,” but Judge Laura Drager eventually released the teacher on her own recognizance.

Do a lot of people accused of molesting children get released on their own recognizance? We set bail higher than that for shoplifters.

Cops got word of the incident after the boy, believed to be Myers’ student, told a classmate. The classmate then notified a school administrator, according to police.

Okay, but there has to be more evidence than that, right? I’m assuming that hearing second-hand that a high school student was bragging “the hot teacher who doesn’t look like Lena Dunham with make-up on totally sucked my dick” is not sufficient evidence to bring an arrest.

The Department of Education called the allegations “deeply troubling” and said Myers, who has no prior disciplinary history, was immediately reassigned “away from students.”

Yeah, okay, Kevin Spacey gets thrown off of House of Cards for trying to dry-hump a 14-year-old in the 80s, but this woman was allegedly slurping kids off last week and she gets “reassigned” and still works for a school? That’s kind of fucked, right? I actually care what happens on House of Cards, I don’t care that this school district does not have to hire a temp to do their filing.

When asked for comment, Myers said “I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior.”

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Bob Frapples

It’s not a crime if the “victim” masturbates to it.

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