President Trump Is About to Make Taking a S**t Great Again with Not-At-All Tacky Solid Gold Toilet

Donald Trump had a simple request, the kind that you or I might make. All the man wanted was a long-term loan of Landscape With Snow, an original Van Gogh from the Guggenheim to hang in his private residence. Who among us hasn’t had a Van Gogh on loan in our bedroom? I’ve got The Painter on His Way to Work hanging above my dishwasher as I write this.

But not only did the Guggenheim not fulfill President Trump’s simple request to take a priceless painting by one of the great masters off of public display and hang it where only he can see it, they made a shockingly insulting counter-offer: a loan of America, a functional, solid gold toilet. As if Donald Trump doesn’t have a solid gold toilet already. Have you seen any of his properties? He’s plated everything he owns in gold, there’s no way his ass cheeks have touched anything other than gold in his entire life. I mean, unless he saves the platinum for the toilet seats.

I’ve often said that Donald Trump acts like what a poor person thinks a rich person acts like. Basically every story you hear about Donald Trump is something you’ve probably said when someone asked you what you’d do if you won the lottery. “I wouldn’t even bother to go to work, I’d just play golf all day.” “I’d have sex with my favorite porn star.” “I’d have a solid gold everything and just eat fast food every day.” This past weekend guests at a fundraiser at Mar-A-Lago were served caviar with plastic spoons instead of the traditional mother-of-pearl spoons used by fancy rich folks to eat salty fish eggs.

So I think the real question here is whether or not Trump will accept the solid gold toilet. I want to believe he wants it. I feel like he can’t accept it because everyone knows the offer was meant as an insult to him, but it’s got to be killing him that there’s a solid gold toilet in the world and he’s not the one shitting in it.