ESC

Russian Athletes Call In Sick to Avoid Drug Tests

The Winter Olympics are right around the corner. Brush up on your curling knowledge while you can. See what I did there? Brush up. All my curling aficionados got it.

Russia can’t compete in the Olympics because they’ve been doping for years and the committee finally did something about it. Instead, they’ll be competing without a country. But they are still Russian.

Over the weekend, the big bad IOC came after Russia again during a track-and-field event in Serbia. And Russia is sick of being targeted. No, they are literally sick. They didn’t want to be drug tested by the committee, so they claimed to come down with an illness. This illness affected 36 athletes. The food in Russia must be terrible.

Dmitry Shlyakhtin, the president of Russia’s Athletics Federation, called out his athletes for being a bunch of doped up cowards.

“On the contrary, we ourselves went to this, prepared this situation, because we understand that we have a lot of problems at the bottom, stated that without the help of [Russian Anti-Doping Agency] we will not be able to improve this situation.”

You know Vladimir Putin is going to have this guy fired in the middle of the Olympics. He won’t stand for someone standing in the way of Russian’s Olympic dominance. And Russia can only be dominant in the Olympics if they can use their steroid-injected athletes.

While Shlyakhtin is appalled that his athletes would call in sick, the director of the Federation, Andrei Kruporushnikov, thinks it’s not a big deal. He claims that Russian athletes are the most tested in the world and that there isn’t a problem for these unimportant events.

Dude, if you’re bragging about being the most tested athletes, you’re basically bragging that you’ve been caught before and you have a drug problem.

This is like when pro wrestlers say WWE has the strictest drug testing policy of any sport. Yeah, because the sport was built on steroids and guys were dying at 40 due to the amount of drugs they were on.

Get it together, Russia.

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