Cornell Frat Boned Heavy Girls in a Competition Called ‘Pig Roast’

I never joined a frat in college. Mainly because I wasn’t cool enough. But also because I was afraid of all the hazing involved when it comes to frats. Sorry, but I’m not tying a rope around my penis and jumping off a bridge.

Nor am I trying to have sex with the fattest chick I can find, which is what Cornell pledges had to do.

According to an investigation, students pledging Zeta Beta Tau competed in a “pig roast.” When I initially read the headline, I thought it had to do with burning your penis. It’s not quite that bad, unless you’re really turned off by bigger girls. A “pig roast” involves sleeping with heavier women and accumulating points based on how big they are.

The frat issued a statement on their Facebook page, which you can read here. And if you don’t want to read it, allow me to summarize.

“We didn’t know this was happening. We’re sorry.”

There is now an ongoing investigation against the frat. This investigation should not take too long. Just walk into the frat house and find the giant white board in the living room with “PIG ROAST SCOREBOARD” written at the top. Trust me, it’s there. I didn’t pledge a fraternity, but I’ve been to enough frat houses to know how this works.

Members of the frat will attend education programs about sexual assault prevention and bystander intervention. I’m pretty sure they aren’t trying to sexually assault women. They just want to sleep with a certain type of woman so they win a six pack of Coors, not end up in jail for 10 years. The frat has also been placed on two years probation, which basically means they can’t hold mixers with sororities. That’s not a big deal. They probably don’t count for many points.