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Donald Trump Got His DNA All Over Stormy Daniels and She Kept the Dress

Did everyone have a good Valentine’s Day yesterday? Pitched a little woo, made a little love, temporarily put the thought of Donald Trump’s wrinkly ass thrusting up and down on Stormy Daniels for about three minutes out of your mind? Well, too bad, the sex-reminder has logged on to make sure you don’t get the image of Trump’s orange balls slapping against Stormy Daniel’s disinterested ass while watching Shark Week.

Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen brought the story back into the public’s imagination when he made a statement earlier this week saying he paid Daniels out of his own pocket and that Trump had nothing to do with the NDA. You know, just a lawyer paying $130,000 in hush money for a client without being asked, like you do.

“In a private transaction in 2016, I used my own personal funds to facilitate a payment of $130,000 to Ms. Stephanie Clifford,” Michael Cohen said in a statement. “Neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign was a party to the transaction with Ms. Clifford, and neither reimbursed me for the payment, either directly or indirectly.”

A report also circulated that Cohen was looking to shop a book that would mention the Daniels (Stephanie Clifford is her real name) story. Daniels stated that this by doing this Cohen violated the terms of the NDA and she’s now free to talk about her encounter with Trump.

Reports also emerged that Daniels has a dress she plans to have tested for Trump’s DNA, which… ewww. I honestly thought I’d only ever hear once story about someone keeping a dress with the president’s cum on it. Daniels had sex with Trump like, 12 years ago, why hasn’t this dress been laundered? Does she just collect dresses with the DNA from everyone she has sex with? No one ever thought Donald Trump would be president in 2006, I honestly didn’t think he had a chance of being president in 2016.

Melania Trump reportedly spent Valentine’s Day visiting with sick children and not her husband amid the new revelations. This has led to speculation that the First Lady is upset about her husband’s affair, which occurred shortly after the two were married and while she was pregnant. Because who had any indication that Donald Trump would be unfaithful?

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