Good News: Group of South African Lions Are Okay After Eating a Lion Poacher

Every year, when Pamplona has its annual running of the bulls, I like to watch and root for the bulls. Someone has to, and the bulls, unlike the humans, didn’t choose to be there. So when some drunk idiot gets gored in the ass by an angry bull on its way to be killed in one of the most rigged sports this side of the WWE, I think it’s justice.

So when I heard a group of lions in South Africa ate a poacher, my thought was, you know, good for them. Why shouldn’t I cheer for the lion? This asshole was just going to cut its dick off so some warlord who can’t get it up for his 11-year-old slave boy could make it into a soup. So I’m glad the lions ate him.

And it doesn’t exactly sound like a peaceful death for the poacher, according to the BBC.

“It seems the victim was poaching in the game park when he was attacked and killed by lions,” Limpopo police spokesman Moatshe Ngoepe told AFP.

“They ate his body, nearly all of it, and just left his head and some remains.”

The report went on to say that the poacher had not been identified, because it’s hard to pull a fingerprint from a lion turd.

You might be thinking that I’m being unfair, because the life of a human should always be worth more than the life of an animal, right? Well, here’s a hypothetical situation for you: You’re in a building that’s going to burn down, and you can either save your pet dog who loves you and licks your face when you get home from work every day or Harvey Weinstein. What do you choose?

This isn’t all that uncommon of an occurrence. You might remember that in the aftermath of the shooting of Cecil the Lion, a safari guide in the same park was killed by an angry lion seeking revenge. And who could forget Theunis Botha, a big game hunter who was crushed to death by an elephant that didn’t like him peeping on her in the throes of passion. It was like Fifty Tons of Gray.

So if you’re a rich asshole reading this, maybe think twice before popping off to Africa to get some big game trophies. Or don’t, if the lions don’t get a steady stream of rich dipshits in their diet they’ll have to eat gazelles.

Notify of

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments