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Kristen Bell Has an Itchy Butt

Kristen Bell and anal worms, this sounds like a very specific fetish. But nope, it’s just the joys of parenting.

Kristen Bell went on The Joel McHale Show with Joel McHale to talk about why you should never have kids. No, she didn’t say that exactly, but go right ahead and infer that from her story.

One day at her daughters’ preschool, she saw that they tore out all the carpeting. It wasn’t remodeling going on, it was a pinworms, aka “anal worms,” outbreak. Yum.

Not knowing what that was, Bell Googled it and found out. We’ll save you one step and quote the internet right here:

Pinworms are small, thin, pin-shaped worms that sometimes live in the human colon and rectum.

They’re also very contagious. Bell noticed that one of her daughters, Delta, was scratching her ass. Most kids do that, but this time it was because of worms.

“You have to monitor, and you have to look in their poop. And when you wipe their butt, sure enough — I wiped, and saw a little white worm. I know, she’s really gross. My daughter, not the worm. The worm was gross, too.”

Oh did I say they were contagious? Bell also got a case of the anal worms. McHale asked if they hurt, but Bell said they were just “very itchy.” McHale should’ve asked if they smelled.

Bell has a lot of these parenting stories. A few weeks ago she talked about her husband, Dax Shepard, sucking milk out of her boobs. Don’t mind if I do!

Right after she stopped nursing, Bell had a blocked milk duct. Since she was in Atlanta and couldn’t get to her doctor, she said to Shepard, “I really need you to suck this out. We could talk about it, we could be weird about it, or you could just go ahead and nurse.”

“He pulled it out,” Bell said. “He had a cup next to him. He was pulling out and spitting into this cup, and I’ve never been more in love in my life.”

I won’t say that’s disgusting because your kid has to eat. On the other hand, if you never have kids, you’d never have to go sucking milk out of your wife’s breasts or fingering your kid’s poop for worms. Just dating sounds pretty awesome next to this.

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