Guy Who Fucked a Dolphin Surprisingly Unimpressed by ‘The Shape of Water’

Good god do I love modern journalism. The Huffington Post is an entirely free site to go to and read, and they decided that in the wake of The Shape of Water winning the Best Picture Oscar, they would interview a guy who’s famous for fucking dolphins and see what he thought it. This is because the Best Picture of 2017 was about a woman fucking a fish monster. Yeah, seriously.

This is my new favorite thing. I’m going to read this article every day and despair that nothing I ever do will be as amazing as the place half the internet goes for actual news ran a story about what a guy who fucks dolphins thought about a movie about a woman fucking a fish that was completely sincere. It’s like Airplane.

So the dolphin fucker’s name is Malcolm Brenner and he wrote a novel based on his experiences called Wet Goddess. And before I start pulling quotes to show you, I want to mention that the story has a photo of Brenner and a dolphin with the caption “Malcolm Brenner with an unidentified dolphin.” I’m never going to write anything that funny in my entire life. No one is. I’m literally angry about how funny that is even without meaning to be. The Huffington Post is protecting the identity of a dolphin.

Given the course of the development of their relationship, it seems sort of natural. Although I must say, I find a dolphin a lot more sexy than that thing was. Then again, I’m not Elisa. Maybe you have to take it where you can get it.

So long and thanks for all the fish, Martin.

I don’t know to this day and I refuse to speculate about why she might have wanted to have sex with me or a human being in general, but somehow she devoted a lot of attention to me. And over time I came to find it flattering, especially when nobody else was paying any attention to me. So I can understand how Elisa in the movie felt.

She’s an animal, bro. Dogs will hump legs if you don’t get them fixed. My best friend from college had a little weiner dog that used to fuck the shit out of any stuffed animal it could get on top of, because it’s a dog.

What I was really attracted to was her attention and the intellectual ways she challenged me, not her appearance.

See, now I feel bad because this dude was challenged intellectually by a dolphin, a species renowned for getting caught in tuna nets.

Dear god, I just can’t even. Wait, there’s one more.

But I want to be clear about one thing: I didn’t write Wet Goddess for zoophiles. I wrote it for dolphins.

Dolphins can’t fucking read. There are no libraries under the sea. The books would get wet. Unless you do that thing where you put it in a ziploc bag so you don’t drop it into the bath, but there’s enough trash in the ocean, we don’t need dolphin libraries adding to it. Also, dolphins can’t read anyway. Because they’re animals.

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