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Jake Paul Is Going to Solve School Shootings

By March 13, 2018

As you know if you follow the news at all, mass shootings are a real problem in the United States and absolutely nowhere else in the Western world. Satirical newspaper The Onion has been running the same headline for four years “‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens”.

By the way, the guy who wrote that headline in 2014, Jason Roeder, lives about a mile from Stoneman Douglas High School, site of the most recent mass-casualty school shooting.

This has been going on for almost 20 years, since Columbine. I was a senior in high school when Columbine happened, about a month and a half from graduation, and let me tell you, it was a tense month and a half. Everyone was on edge because we were afraid something like what happened there might happen to us. Of course, nothing did, and we went on with our adult lives.

But there are kids who weren’t even born yet when Columbine happened who have lived every day the way we lived that final month and a half of senior year, because we, as a nation, have done nothing to address the problem. But thankfully, that’s all about to change because Jake Paul is here to solve the problem!

God, look at his face on that thumbnail. He looks likes he ran into a word he doesn’t know in the book he’s reading.

The word is douchebag, Jake, and it’s what everyone calls you when you aren’t around. Also, the guy no one wants as a neighbor put on an off-the-rack sports coat he apparently borrowed from his dad and called up Marco Rubio to talk about guns, asking such insightful questions as “Golly, legislating sure is hard work isn’t it?” It was smart to have Rubio on, Jake Paul seems thoughtful and authentic in comparison.

To be fair to Jake Paul, his ideas about gun control aren’t terrible in the end. I agree with him, even if these suggestions don’t go nearly far enough.

Of course, Twitter was quick to point out that Jake Paul still is terrible.

I mean, at least Jake Paul is doing something. Our two political parties’ positions basically boil down to “As long as the NRA keeps giving me money, I’m fine with kids being shot. What we really need are MORE guns, like in Westerns. No one ever got shot in the old West when everyone had a gun!” and “Oh, jeez, I dunno, if we make it slightly less convenient for kids to shoot up schools, eight people in Michigan might not vote for us and we really don’t want that to happen or the the other guys might win, we just need to stay the course and hope no one notices us. You like us now, don’t you, Michigan people?”

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