Good news, you can stop worrying about your children being murdered in their classroom, the Blue Mountain School District in Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania has figured out how to stop school shootings. They’ve put rocks in every classroom that students can throw at anyone who happens to be mowing their friends down with a high-capacity assault rifle. I mean, problem solved, if the United Kingdom and Australia had thought of rocks they too could still have armed crazy people on every street corner.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Eric’s just exaggerating again for humorous effect, like when he calls Jessica Chastain a Raytheon lobbyist.” Well no, I’m not exaggerating. Here’s Superintendent David Helsel explaining his initiative in his own words, from WNEP 16 Scranton.
“Every classroom has been equipped with a five-gallon bucket of river stone. If an armed intruder attempts to gain entrance into any of our classrooms, they will face a classroom full students armed with rocks and they will be stoned.”
I don’t know how they expect students to throw the rocks straight if they’re all stoned.
This is just the latest dumb idea schools have had to stop shootings because our congress is so bought off by the gun loby that when a mass shooting happens, their response is “Well, sure, we could ban guns, and as we’ve seen in every other western democracy that would end pretty much end mass shootings almost entirely, but I get a lo of money from the NRA so f**k your kids, their lives are a small price to pay for Remington’s stock to stay strong.” Now see, that’s exaggeration for humorous effect, congressmen don’t actually say that, they just think it.
When students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School return to class they’ll be forced to wear clear backpacks, which will be super awesome for girls on their periods. Also, where are kids supposed to hide their weed and cigarettes and I guess vape pens if they have a clear backpack? In their pockets like animals? Cigarette case sales are about to go trough the roof in Broward county.
So this is where we are as a nation. We can’t ban guns because we’ve elected a group of self-serving, spineless cowards to write our laws so we’re giving kids rocks to defend themselves from the school shootings that have been happening routinely for the past twenty years.
Cheap bastards could at least spring for some slingshots to launch those rocks!