ESC

Russia Bears Are Taking over Soccer

Russia loves bears in ways I can’t understand. Bears are like the sharks of the land, they’re basically designed by nature only for killing things. Like a NODOK, a Natural Organism Designed Only for Killing. It’s a little-known fact that when PETA protesters chant “fur is murder,” they’re actually just describing bears.

Still, despite all the warnings Stephen Colbert gave about the danger of bears, Russians seem totally unphased living among these adorable furry murderers. For example, here’s a video called Incredible Family That Lives With A Bear. Wanna place a bet on what language they’re speaking?

Look at those crazy Russians. That dude was just wrestling with a bear, eating lunch with a bear sitting at the table and feeding a bear out of his hand. Bear doesn’t want to be fed, Dimitri, he wants to hunt.

Not even the craziest thing I’ve seen a bear do in Russia.

Yeah, just a bear sitting in the sidecar of a motorcycle driving down the street like it’s no big deal. Well it is a big deal, that bear should be wearing a helmet. You think just because you’re a bear that laws don’t apply to you, Gentle Ben? You’ve got another think coming, that’s how bears end up getting polonium poisoning. They even have bears manning outdoor sales stalls.

Okay, that last one may have been from The Simpsons, but it was based on a true story. And here’s today’s story of “Russians have not learned to properly fear bears… yet.” A minor league soccer team in Russia is now using bear cheerleaders.

I don’t know why you would replace your cheerleaders with bears unless you were from Pittsburgh or Cleveland. That would at least make sense, but have you seen the women in Russia? Russia is full of beautiful women and Pam Anderson.

And yes, that does say the bear is scheduled to appear at the World Cup. I’m guessing you’re looking at Russia’s new goalie.

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