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Chris Pratt Got All Jesusy Again at the MTV Movie Awards

Ahh, the MTV Movie Awards, the 35th most prestigious movie award ceremony of the year. The best part about this awards show and those like it is hearing the winners get up on stage and say “I may not have an Oscar, but this is the award that REALLY matters.” No, it fucking isn’t and you know it.

The highlight of the night was Legends of Tomorrow star Keiynan Lonsdale’s acceptance speech for Best Kiss from his film Love, Simon in a flowing white dress.

The low-light was Guardians of the Galaxy and Parks and Recreation star Chris Pratt’s schmaltzy speech accepting the Generation Award, MTV’s equivalent of a lifetime achievement award. Pratt’s speech was equal parts Jesus and dad jokes.

1. “Breathe. If you don’t, you will suffocate.”

2. “You have a soul. Be careful with it.”

3. “Don’t be a turd. If you are strong, be a protector. If you are smart, be a humble influencer. Strength and intelligence can be weapons, so do not wield them against the weak. That makes you a bully. Be bigger than that.”

4. “When giving a dog medicine, put the medicine in a little piece of hamburger and they won’t even know they’re eating medicine.”

5. “It doesn’t matter what it is. Earn it. A good deed. Reach out to someone in pain. Be of service. It feels good and it’s good for your soul.”

6. “God is real. God loves you, God wants the best for you. Believe that, I do.”

7. “If you have to poop at a party, but you’re embarrassed because you’re going to stink up the bathroom, just do what I do. Lock the door, sit down, get all of the pee out first. And then, once all the pee is done, poop, flush, boom! You minimize the amount of time that the poop’s touching the air. Because if you poop first, it takes you longer to pee and then you’re peeing on top of it, stirring up the poop particles, create a cloud, goes out, then everyone at the party will know that you pooped. Just trust me, it’s science.”

8. “Learn to pray. It’s easy, and it is so good for your soul.”

9. “Nobody is perfect. People will tell you that you are perfect just the way that you are, you are not! You are imperfect. You always will be, but there is a powerful force that designed you that way, and if you are willing to accept that, you will have grace. And grace is a gift. Like the freedom that we enjoy in this country, that grace was paid for with somebody else’s blood. Do not forget that. Don’t take that for granted.”

This is like the forward to one of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books your spinster aunt reads to her cats. Chris, I love you man, but you gotta cool it with the Jesus stuff. I mean, it’s great you have an imaginary friend, but unless your name is Amy Pond, no one wants to hear you go on about him.

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