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Kim Kardashian Has Now Done More to Advance Prison Reform Than Literally Any Elected Official

By June 6, 2018

There are very few people who like both President Trump and President Obama, and a lot of the time that is down to cheerleading and the political horse race. There’s more bad than good about both of them, and the same is true about almost every other post-war president. And if you need evidence that Barack Obama was not entirely good as president and Donald Trump is not entirely bad, then all you need to do is look at the case of Alice Marie Johnson.

Johnson is a 63-year-old grandmother who was serving a life sentence for a first time non-violent drug offense. President Obama declined to give her a pardon despite the fact that her sentence was, frankly, absurd and more than a little racist. I assume Obama didn’t want to be seen as going easy on African-American sexagenarians because it might be a black mark on his legacy of indiscriminately killing innocent civilians with flying murder robots.

Donald Trump, however, commuted Johnson’s sentence, in no small part due to the advocacy of Kim Kardashian. Sure, the only reason Kim is famous is that she’s a rich thot, but she’s using her powers for good, and I respect that.

The White House issued the following statement on the commutation, which differs from a pardon in that Johnson will be released from prison but the conviction for conspiracy to possess cocaine and attempted possession of cocaine will still be on her record. Yeah, life in prison for a first offense and she didn’t even have any cocaine or any money from the sale of cocaine. Tell me again how the war on drugs isn’t horrible.

Today, President Donald J. Trump granted a commutation to Alice Marie Johnson, a 63-year-old great-grandmother who has served almost 22 years in Federal prison for a first-time criminal offense.

Ms. Johnson has accepted responsibility for her past behavior and has been a model prisoner over the past two decades. Despite receiving a life sentence, Alice worked hard to rehabilitate herself in prison, and act as a mentor to her fellow inmates. Her Warden, Case Manager, and Vocational Training Instructor have all written letters in support of her clemency. According to her Warden, Arcala Washington-Adduci, “since [Ms. Johnson’s] arrival at this institution, she has exhibited outstanding and exemplary work ethic. She is considered to be a model inmate who is willing to go above and beyond in all work tasks.”

While this Administration will always be very tough on crime, it believes that those who have paid their debt to society and worked hard to better themselves while in prison deserve a second chance.

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian gave her statement on Twitter because of course she did. I’m surprised Trump didn’t issue his statement on Twitter while he was unblocking Chrissy Teigen, honestly.

A few weeks ago, Trump also issued a posthumous pardon for Jack Johnson, the first black heavyweight boxing champion who was arrested under the Mann Act, a law meant to protect women from sex trafficking, for taking his white girlfriend across state lines. Barack Obama again declined to issue a pardon, even though it was entirely symbolic since Jack Johnson died in the 1940s, for reasons I can’t even begin to understand. But at least Donald Trump is willing to do the right thing as long as some celebrities promise to be nice to him if he does. Now all we need to do is have Tom Hanks promise to have dinner with him every Friday if he passes single-payer health care.

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