Scarlett Johansson Denies Auditioning to Be Tom Cruise’s Girlfriend, Something Everyone Knows She Probably Did

Tom Cruise auditioned girlfriends. We know this is a thing that happened and that the Church of Scientology held the auditions. We’ve known this story for years, and it’s been told by multiple sources.

Brendan Tighe, a former Scientologist, was on Megyn Kelly Today this week to talk about Scientology, and it’s mostly a recap of things we already knew, like how Tom Cruise is in love with David Miscavige and that he and John Travolta don’t get along because they both want to be the most famous Scientologist.

Tighe also mentioned that Scarlett Johansson was the only actress auditioning for the role of Tom Cruise’s beard with a recognizable name. Now here’s where the story gets interesting; Johansson issued a statement to The Hollywood Reporter about the news, saying “The very idea of any person auditioning to be in a relationship is so demeaning. I refuse for anyone to spread the idea that I lack the integrity to choose my own relationships. Only a man, AKA Brendan Tighe, would come up with a crazy story like that.”

So here’s where I say f**k Scarlett Johansson for trying to use feminism as a cover for shitty behavior. It’s like calling people sexist for not liking that bomb of a Ghostbusters remake Paul Feig shat out, except at the end someone has to have sex with Tom Cruise, probably while wearing a David Miscavige mask and a strap-on.

Also, we know Brendan Tighe didn’t make this story up with his misogynist man brain. A woman, actress Nazanin Boniadi, who is a lady of the female persuasion, confirmed this story all the way back in 2012.The church forced her to break up with her boyfriend and date Tom Cruise, but she eventually failed the audition and ended up pretending to date a gay dude on How I Met Your Mother instead of at Scientology picnics.

Also, Johansson is the spokesperson for SodaStream, an Israeli company that was, until recently, operating inside a settlement on Palestinian land in the West Bank, in open defiance of international law. Upon being told this, Johansson said “No, I stand behind that decision. I was aware of that particular factory before I signed. And it still doesn’t seem like a problem.” I’m sure today she would add in a “Girl Power! Men are gross!” and end with “And anyone who opposes the genocide of Palestinians by Benjamin Netanyahu and the Likud Party is an anti-Semite!” Because Scarlett Johansson is a shitty person.