Millie Bobby Brown Broke Up With Jacob Sartorius… Again

You guys, I am so depressed hearing that Millie Bobby Brown and her boyfriend Jacob Sartorius broke up. I really thought those two crazy kids were going to make it. Okay, I didn’t really because they’re teenagers and Brown already dumped Sartorius once and scrubbed any mention of him from her social media because he was hitting up other girls for naked pictures on Snapchat because he’s 15 and a moron like every 15-year-old boy.

According to Page Six, Brown handled the situation very maturely.

“The decision with Jacob and I was completely mutual,” the 14-year-old actress wrote on her Instagram story. “We are both happy and remaining friends.”

I call bullshit on that. Most adults don’t have mutual, acrimony-free break-ups, there’s no way a couple of teenagers did. Do you remember your last break-up? I’m guessing there was yelling and crying and throwing things involved. Now remember what it was like being a teenager and going through puberty and being angry and depressed and horny all at the same time and not knowing how to deal with any of it. You think that break-up just goes “Gee, I’m not feeling fulfilled anymore, Millie.” And then Millie said,”Oh, Jacob, I agree, you’re a fine chap but our five-year plans just aren’t in sync. Pip-pip and cheerio.”?

No. The plot to Stranger Things is more believable than a drama-free, mutual teenage break-up. Sartorius may have said “The decision w Mills was completely mutual & we are both happy and remaining friends❤️.” but what he meant was “I’ve cried myself to sleep every night for a week and I’m writing depressing poetry about the futility of life and I can’t decide if I love you or hate you but I’m pretty sure it’s both.”

I mean, they’re kids, they’ll be over it in a few weeks, but I remember being a teenager and no one I’ve known had a break-up before the age of about 25 that wasn’t completely bonkers. Human beings at that age are not equipped to handle those emotions maturely. Let’s just hope the next time we see Millie she hasn’t dyed her hair and clothes black and started calling herself Foxglove or Cinder.

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