HBO Has Gotten Rid of All Its Porn, Or at Least That’s What the Network Told Its New Girlfriend

When I was growing up, we didn’t have HBO, but you could get scrambled HBO to come in when they were playing some late-night boobies movie. That was some excellent masturbation. I would light candles to watch that s**t by. That was some real good “lock the bedroom door while your parents are asleep and get all the way naked” masturbation for a teenager in the ’90s. Then we got digital cable and all the glorious free, scrambled porn was replaced by a blue screen that just said “content not available.” How am I supposed to masturbate to that? I mean, I did, but it just wasn’t the same.

Of course, around the same time I got the internet, which today has become a veritable bonanza of porn. Today when I watch porn I spend more time going “Ew, not that one, she has too many tattoos,” and looking for another video than I do actually watching porn. I follow porn stars on Twitter, so when I’m sifting through the hottest takes and the dumbest things the President has said, sometimes I see boobs just at random.

This might explain why HBO has removed all of its porn movies from its programming lineup and streaming services. I mean, aside from Game of Thrones. But none of the actresses you want to see do nudity on that show actually do nudity anymore anyway. Sure, I was as stoked as everyone else to see Jon Snow bang his Aunt Daenerys, but the only nudity we got out of that was Kit Harrington’s baby-smooth butt. Did they have buttwaxers in Game of Thrones times, because he was definitely going to one.

It’s really the end of an era, though. HBO porn may have been dwindling in popularity, but think of all the guys sleeping on the couch after a fight with their wife who forgot their iPad in the bedroom. How are they supposed to rub one out now? Godspeed, dude who’s now forced to fantasize about his high school girlfriend he still keeps in touch with on Facebook.

It was kind of weird that they HBO had porn on right before Sesame Street, though.