Kourtney Kardashian Hates the Kardashians as Much as the Rest of Us

I don’t know if you saw Sunday’s premiere of Keeping Up With The Kardashians or if, like me, you were watching The Venture Bros. because you don’t hate yourself. It turns out that watching actual good television means we missed Kourtney Kardashian telling the whole world she hates her family as much as the rest of humanity hates her family. Yes, there’s trouble in literal paradise as Kim and Kourtney just can’t seem to get along, with People reporting they were fighting over clashing schedules for a Christmas card photo shoot.

“I’m not here to be mistreated by my f—ing bitch family,” she said on speakerphone, sobbing. “Kim saying that I’m the least interesting to look at — who even speaks like that? You don’t say things like that. You guys just have really different values than me. I choose to be a mother to my three kids. I’m not here looking for another job. I already work enough — more than I would like to. What’s natural to me is being a mother. And I don’t expect everyone to have the same interests.”

Yeah, that’s a really problem for the Kardashians, they do so much work. Putting your name on things and spending all that “O.J. didn’t do it” money is hard work.

“All everyone f—ing says is, ‘What’s your job?’ ” Kourtney said. “If I had enough money, I wouldn’t work. I wouldn’t do the show. I would be a full time mom. That’s what I want to do. The guilt I carry every day from not being at home when they get in from school, not doing homework — my kids suffer. Honestly, it’s like, we have a disgusting family. I’m ashamed to be a part of [it]. It’s just gross.”

After fifteen years they’re finally becoming self-aware. Too bad O.J. Simpson is her sister’s dad and not hers, she could go stay with him. Remember when the concept of this show was “Red-blooded American man Bruce Jenner has to put up with these wacky 20-something broads”? Now they’re all soccer moms drinking Merlot at their book club and being passive-aggressive on social media. Literally. While the episode was airing Kourtney was sending passive-aggressive tweets.

Kim noticed she was being subtweeted.

It hurts my soul to hear the Kardashians describe anything they do as “work”. I work harder than these people and I’m a damn writer, the bar is pretty low.

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