Donald Trump Has a Dick That Looks Like Toad From Mario Cart

We’re finally starting to get political news people care about. After months of people just droning on about insignificant things like “The President is putting refugee children in cages,” “The President is clearly mentally incapacitated in some way,” and “The President nominated an attempted rapist to the Supreme Court,” we’re finally getting to talk about the important things, like what the President’s dick looks like.

Yes, Stormy Daniels is penning a tell-all about what fucking Donald Trump was like in bed. The Guardian had excerpts from her book and the answer is not great; it’s going to ruin video game time for you.

She describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small”.

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…”

You gotta shave those pubes, even if you’re a dude. This is my advice to you. At least trim them down if you’re not going to shave them off, but it’s not 1975 anymore and your hairy bush went out of style with bell bottoms and disco.

As for the size thing, they say it’s not the size but how you use it. I’ve always found that to be a depressing thought because I have a big dick but no idea what I’m doing with it. I need women to tell me it’s just the size and technique doesn’t matter.

Mario Kart and Toad were trending on Twitter today.

I was excited because there was just a Nintendo Direct about the new Smash Brothers game, but clicking on those trends was a mistake. I could have lived my entire life without knowing what Donald Trump’s dick looks like. Cartoonist Mike Norton even did a comic strip about it.

And just in case you thought that voting actually matters or might change things, Daniels told an anecdote about the time they were in a hotel room together watching Shark Week when Hillary Clinton called him for advice on her primary election against Barack Obama.

Daniels’ alleged relationship with Trump included one moment in 2007, she writes, in which she is with Trump in a hotel room watching a Shark Week broadcast on cable television when he receives a phone call from Hillary Clinton, then running against Barack Obama for the Democratic presidential nomination.

“Then, to make it crazier, Hillary Clinton called,” Daniels writes. “He had a whole conversation about the race, repeatedly mentioning ‘our plan’…

“Even while he was on the phone with Hillary, his attention kept going back to the sharks.”

So there you go, People saying “Oh, things would be so different if we had elected a terrible Democrat instead of a terrible Republican.” Your “most qualified candidate ever” was calling Donald Trump for advice before they ran against each other.

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