Getting a ‘Vampire Facial’ Popularized by Kim Kardashian May Have Given People HIV

People do some really dumb s**t in the name of looking better, and the vampire facial is one of the dumber ones I’ve heard of. Here’s how it works: You get blood drawn, the plasma is extracted from it, then you get the plasma rubbed on your face while you get the s**t stabbed out of it with a micro-needling pen. It’s so idiotic that even Kim Kardashian only did it once.

A few years after the fact, Kim wrote about it on her website, saying “It was really rough and painful for me. It was honestly the most painful thing ever! It’s the one treatment that I’ll never do again.”

Well, CNN is reporting that people in New Mexico who were willing to the pain for whatever supposed benefits this insane treatment offers might have gotten HIV from it.

Now the department is urging clients to visit the state’s Midtown Public Health Office this week for HIV, hepatitis B and hepatitis C lab testing and counseling.

“It is very important that anyone who received a vampire facial or other injection-related service at the VIP Spa in May or June of 2018 come to the Midtown Public Health Office for free and confidential lab testing and counseling,” Lynn Gallagher, Cabinet secretary for the New Mexico Department of Health, said in the announcement.

Man, who would have thought getting blod splattered on open woulds on your face had health risks? It seemed like it was all upside.

Dr. Michael Dobryansky, a plastic surgeon at the Long Island Plastic Surgical Group who is trained in the cosmetic vampire method, said there is specific training providers must complete to become licensed in a complex procedure like the vampire facial.

“So for patients, when they are investigating places for getting these types of procedures, they need to make sure that the places are actually vampire certified, because there is specific training and there is specific maintenance of certification that that organization requires of its providers in order to be able to both perform the procedures and continuously offer them to patients,” said Dobryansky, who was not involved in the New Mexico case.

This passage in the CNN story hurt my head. Just don’t do this dumb bullshit with negligible benefits. It’s basically just homeopathy but done by a guy in a white lab coat so it seems like a medical procedure. Even if it does somehow slow the aging process, is it worth getting stabbed in the face and maybe getting AIDS? I guess it’s slightly better than getting a facial from a Vampire: The Masquerade LARPer, but still.

You can save a lot of money and risk by just coming to me and getting my “punch in the crotch” beauty treatment. For just $200, I will punch you as hard as I can right in the babymaker to encourage the sexy atoms congregating there to spread throughout your body. For an extra $100, I’ll make it two punches and a kick to make sure everything is really moving.

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Accalia Hope Baronets
Accalia Hope Baronets
5 years ago

Idiots, idiots everywhere.

5 years ago

How is it that this piece is so poorly written.