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Maroon 5 to Continue Long, Storied Tradition of Shitty Super Bowl Halftime Acts

Maroon 5, singers of hit songs such as… umm… uh… hunh. They’ve had hit songs, right? I know they haven’t had any good songs, but they must have had some hit songs. They’re one of those bands where you keep hearing about them and how popular they are but you’ve never actually met anyone who listens to them.

Variety is reporting that Maroon 5 will be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show, basically because Jay-Z didn’t want to.

The NFL has faced an additional challenge this year due to its stance regarding former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to take a knee during the National Anthem as a sign of protest, which has spurred outrage in some quarters, from the president on down. Kaepernick has not played since the 2016 season and his contract has not been picked up by another team, largely due to the controversy. Reports emerged last year that Jay-Z had turned down an offer to perform during halftime, which he seemingly confirmed in the lyrics to his recent song with Beyonce, “Apesh–“: “I said no to the Super Bowl: you need me, I don’t need you.”

How far down the list do you think Maroon 5 is? There’s apparently some rule that you can’t have the same band more than once, so they’re probably running out of options. They must be, right? In the old days they just had college marching bands, maybe they should bring that back.

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