Super Classy Guy Pete Davidson Says He Used to Jerk Off to Ariana Grande Before He Met Her

We finally found out how weirdo Pete Davidson landed a girl like Ariana Grande; he told her he used to jack off thinking about her. The only bad part of that story is it totally steals the line I was going to use to pick up Hilary Duff and/or any of the actresses on Modern Family. Aside from Julie Bowen, I don’t want Tucker Carlson’s sloppy seconds, you might get an STD that makes you think bow ties look good.

Anyway, I don’t know if Pete Davidson, who looks 40 but is actually 24 or something, actually told Ariana Grande he used to use her as the sheet music to his purple piccolo recitals, but Vulture reported that he told everyone in the country exactly that during an appearance on The Howard Stern Show.

The first time the couple hung out, Davidson says, he was so nervous and the feeling hasn’t really subsided. “Any time we’re intimate I’m always apologizing and saying thank you. ‘You’re awesome for doing this, thank you so much,’” he said, adding: “I get it. I was jerking off to her before I met her!”

Yeah, the thing about sex is that if you’re doing it right you should apologize afterwards. At least Davidson knows he’s a goofy dork who’s with a girl way out of his league; I have a feeling dudes like Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey walk around thinking “I’m so attractive to women, these beautiful women are all drawn to me because of how sexy I am.”