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This Chinese Nursery School Has the Secret for Running the Best Kindergarten Ever: Strippers!

Kindergarten kind of sucks. We can admit that. It’s a bunch of kids running around learning how to not be sociopaths, a process that doesn’t actually work until they turn 25. I wouldn’t go to a kindergarten, and most people I know agree with me. Kevin Spacey might go, but that’s it, really.

The Xinshahui Kindergarten in China found a way to make kindergarten actually bearable for parents dropping off their childen, though: They hired a pole dancer. It’s going to be very hard to top that with the school talent show. You know what talent kindergartners have? Some of them can poop in the potty and I guess they learn to talk around that age. No one wants to watch a 5-year-old sing Abba. It’s not cute, it’s just making “Fernando” bad.

Whomever the Southern Metropolis Daily newspaper talked to didn’t seem very keen about it. They didn’t give the names of the parents they interviewed, so I’m guessing it was all moms.

“For a kindergarten to host a pole dancer in its opening ceremony shows the taste and the emotional intelligence of the teachers,” one parent posted on the mobile messenger WeChat.

Are we sure he means that in a bad way? I would way rather see a pole dancer than listen to some kid struggle to work their way through Clifford the Big Red Dog. They don’t ask the important questions like “Why would anyone adopt a dog that big?” and “Does he have giant parents as well, or this an Andre the Giant situation?” It must be, right? We’d know if there were packs of giant dogs roaming the countryside causing comical mischief.

But while online users ridiculed the ceremony, Southern Metropolis Daily says that many parents at the school are afraid that the experience will have lasting damage on their infants, and some had subsequently withdrawn their children from studying at the school.

Yes, if there’s one thing that will damage an infant for life, it’s seeing a breast. At least that is what it says in this flyer I found stuck to my window that was printed by Carnation. I don’t think they would lie to sell more formula, would they?

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