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It’s Heartbreaking That Michael Jackson Died Without Fulfilling His Dream of Playing James Bond

There’s a lot of talk about who should play James Bond once Daniel Craig retires, but you know what would have been hilarious? Michael Jackson playing James Bond. Imagine how that movie would have played out.

INT EVIL LAIR

Bond is restrained on a table as GOLDFINGER’S laser slowly burns a line between BOND’S legs, getting closer and closer.

BOND
Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger?

GOLDFINGER
No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die.

BOND
That’s ignorant.

That could have actually happened, because an excerpt from Hollywood agent Michael Ovitz’s memoir Who is Michael Ovitz? obtained by Page Six, Jackson told the agent he wanted to be James Bond. But it didn’t happen until after an unfortunate guacamole accident.

As he talked, his hat fell into the guacamole in front of him, and he picked it out and put it back on – unfortunately, with a blob of guacamole attached, which began to slide down the brim. Ron Meyer tapped my leg to draw my attention to it, and we all watched in horrified fascination as it slid lower and lower while Michael was pitching us hard on how he was America’s next action hero. Then the blob fell off, and Ron totally lost it. I cracked up, too, and Michael stalked out.

[…]

I went and found him and explained for fifteen minutes that we hadn’t been laughing at him, but at the incident. … Finally, Michael’s face cleared. ‘Okay, Ovitz. Okay,’ he said. ‘But I want to play James Bond.’ I am proud to report I didn’t laugh, this time.

I think this would have been an amazing movie. Woody Allen played Jimmy Bond in Casino Royale, and Jackson is only marginally less believable as an action hero than Woody Allen.

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